Neg

What is a neg?

A neg is a back-handed compliment for the purpose of reducing the self-esteem and de-centering the power structure of a potential significant other.

In laymen’s terms, a neg is a comment that sounds like a compliment but has a subtle undertone of an insult. It isn’t an insult but can’t quite be called a compliment.

The classical neg line is, “nice nails: are they real?”

If a guy says to a woman, “nice nails,” he is complimenting her. When he adds, “are they real?” he isn’t insulting her but there is a negative innuendo.

The woman has been complimented but at the same time attention has been drawn to a negative quality. The result of this neg is to momentarily deflate her self-esteem. She becomes self-conscious at someone having made a comment on her nails not being real but the comment wasn’t an insult but rather a direct and sincere question at what was an obvious truth. Her nails weren’t real.

Negs need to be delivered with sincerity, otherwise they can become insults or attacks. Notice the neg doesn’t go: “those nails have such an ugly color!” That is an insult! One might say instead: “that is a popular color – I’ve seen a couple women with the same color already.”

“How cute” is usually a good way to end or start a neg. “How cute: your nose wrinkles up when you frown!”

Once the person’s self-esteem is momentarily deflated, they lose control over the situation. Typically a guy will compliment a woman as a way of expressing attraction, but the negative innuendo of the neg makes the woman think huh, does this guy like me or not. If the woman KNOWS the guy likes her then she is in control because she KNOWS the guy will do whatever to get in her pants. If she is uncertain of how the guy feels, then she is uncertain of how to ask.

Typically, certain women get hit on all the time. Guys may think they are complimenting the woman but they are actually annoying them. Their attractiveness has made them self-centered and a little haughty. They become somewhat negative and see all of their relationships as being superficial because men are only interested in good looks and sex. Great, another loser hitting on me. For many people, this attention becomes a means to an end: great, another guy hitting on me becomes “I can get free beer!” or “let’s make an example out of this guy.”

Instead of the over-used cliché, OMG, u r so beautiful, a guy has a better chance by negging the girl. How many times has a hot chick had a guy tell her how beautiful she is? The neg uses reverse psychology where the guy appears to be hitting on her but DOESN’T tell her she’s beautiful; he actually draws attention to something negative about her. What is going on? Is he interested or not?

Once you throw out a neg, don’t fish for feedback. Keep the conversation going, casual, like the neg didn’t matter.

If the results are good, then there is no need to neg again.

What will typically happen though is you will now enter into a fight for control. Typically a woman who has been negged will go back into “I’m attractive – do something for me” stage to regain control.

Women will do everything in their power to prove that you are like all the rest. A woman might respond with the typical low self-esteem trip, “what are you saying my nails are ugly” to throw a guy off balance. Your first reaction is to protest when you should remain neutral: “my sister-in-law worked in a nail salon so I tend to look at people’s nail a lot.”

One neg deserves another. Once you’ve negged her, do it again. “You’d look better with your hair up (or down).” Notice: not an insult but “you would look better” implies that she does not look good.

A neg doesn’t have to be routine though. Going from nails to hair isn’t a required routine.

Another common way that people recover from a neg is to ask “will you?” Will you buy me a drink? Will you call me? Will you do this or that? The answer is, no. She’s asking you to do something so that she can refuse you or use you.

Turn the table on her and say, no. Ask her to buy you a drink. If she does, then she is showing her respect for you. If she doesn’t, break off the conversation but don’t walk away. She might reinitiate the conversation.

By negging, your goal is to say, I am not interested in you. I am better than you. If a woman buys you a drink then she is trying to validate herself, show that she is worthy, because she is so used to taking her attraction for granted.

Negs are not the same as ignoring somebody. If you sit down next to somebody and don’t talk to them, you’re not going to get anywhere. A neg is actively ignoring someone, introducing yourself first and then showing the person that you aren’t interested.

Negs are not insults! Don’t say, gee, you look fat, and expect the woman to respond with anything other than a slap. “Nice hair” will always sound sarcastic. “I love your hair: you ever think about highlights?”

Don’t neg sensitive features, like braces, acne, stuttering, a chipped tooth, or what-not. These are sensitive issues and have years of built up resentment under them. Don’t go there.

It is best to go after things that women do specifically to draw attention to themselves, like fake nails or high heels.

Don’t neg an entire group of people. You’ll completely lock yourself out of the group.

Generally, the better looking the person, the more negs required. Three negs within three minute is the general rule.

Certain people, however, don’t need to be negged. If they look like someone who is insecure or has low self-esteem, there is no need to neg. Too much negging can tear a person apart. Save it for the stuck up people.

The best time to neg someone is right before you kiss them. It hurts and then heals. I once had a guy tell me I had chocolate on my face. He wiped it off and then kissed me right afterwards and then negged me again with "I don't know why I put up with you."

To help you practice and get an understanding of what a neg looks or sounds like, here are some examples of more popular negs:

• How old are you?
• Do that again
• Dude, Bro, Buddy – when used with a woman, it implies that she isn’t feminine to you
• You blink a lot.
• (when interrupted) Hello, I'm talking, geez
• (when interrupted) Excuse me... may I finish my sentence first?
• (when interrupted) I didn't ask you, silly.
• (when interrupted) Wait your turn, geez.
• Aww…your eyes are lovely… especially the left one!
• You are pretty…are you an EX model.
• You’re a model? Like a hand model or something?
• I had to come talk to you because you looked so cute from where I was standing!
• You are cute…in a kinda strange way!
• You’ve got an interesting figure!
• You look very stunning in this light.
• There's something attractive about you...I don't know what it is, but I'm curious to find out.
• Oh...you're one of those Bad Apples…aren't you!
• You don't have a chance.
• Yuck, how could you drink something like this?
• Do that again!!!? Your eyes just moved in a MASSIVE circle when you talked!!!!!
• Get Along: You and I would never get along. We're too similar.
• Oh my God...You’re dropdead gorgeous! That’s why I'm not going talk to you.
• You're definitely getting voted off the island!
• I don't think I like you.
• I love how you make this sound when you talk.
• I bet you're even prettier without so much make-up on.
• Hey, I like your (shirt, jeans, purse, etc.)....Did you get (it, them, those) new?
• You're too much of a nice girl for me.
• You're not (shoplifting, etc.), are you?
• Your hands are sweaty.
• I can't believe you said that! And I thought we have something here…you had to ruin it!
• Those shoes look really comfortable.
• Oooo...sick. You just spit on me!
• You talk a lot.
• You're nearly as tall as me...I like tall girls. Are those 3 or 4 inch heels?
• You've got something in your teeth (on your lip, chin, cheek, etc.)
• Hey, you're a 10. Well maybe a 7!
• You look kinda tired.
• No touchy.
• Hey you know what? I think its great how you make an effort to look good.
• Wait your turn.
• Make an X sign with your index fingers while moving next to the target.
• Yawn

Practice! Practice! Practice! Of course, these negs are aimed particularly at women but the reverse is also possible. I'll leave you to fill in the blanks and come up with your own.

Peacocking

Who would you be more likely to look at in a crowd: the guy dressed in a plain white shirt and tan khakis or the guy dressed in the flashy floral shirt?

I had never heard of peacocking until I had looked at a website which mentioned it. At first I thought it would be a waste of time to write about it but looking back at some of the guys I’ve dated and some conversations I’ve had with women, I’ve noticed peacocking streaks here and there.

What is peacocking?

The peacock is a male bird that attracts its mates by unfolding its long, beautiful, gemstone-style feathers into a huge fan-style display. A peacock spreading its tail feathers is truly an awesome sight.

Peacocking in men occurs when a man wears some type of attractive or garish article of clothing which is designed to draw attention to himself and initiate conversations.

The downside is that it also opens the peacocker to jokes at his expense but this can also be turned into a benefit: those guys who make fun of peacock wardrobe are doing so as a sign of low self-esteem. The minute they open their mouth to make a joke, they put a LOSER sign on their forehead. But you still have to be able to take the heat of this ridicule and strut the wardrobe. Even if a comment is bad, it attracts attention and initiates conversation. A peacocker sitting alone is just a loser. Lastly, peacocking only works if there is one peacock in the crowd. I’ve noticed more guys with tattoos and more women with piercings all over their face: this is probably an attempt to peacock that is slowly becoming passé because now all the guys have ink and all the women have piercings – all these tattoos and piercings actually anti-peacock.

Peacocking is more than just attraction, it’s a value system. The less you conform in your wardrobe, the more you show yourself an independent and desirable person. You don’t care what others think about you. You can strut and be proud.

What to wear is generally up to individual tastes. A clown outfit is not going to work; some minor but eye-catching artifact works better. An old boyfriend of mine was a subtle peacocker: his peacock artifacts consisted of a small diamond stud earring, an earring in the shape of an eye, a beautiful tattoo on his leg, an ankh necklace, and this outrageous Hawaiian shirt that would stop people in their tracks when they saw it. We’d be out and sometimes as many as three or four people would stop at once asking him about his shirt. Each of the above items would be worn by themselves, not as a whole ensemble, so he would never mix earrings or his earring and shirt (with the tattoo, he would often cover it up with long pants and wear shorts when he wanted to display it).

Jewelry, a simple slogan or artwork on clothes, or an expensive piece of wardrobe can all act as simple peacock artifacts.

Freeze Outs

In a previous post, I mentioned the concept of freeze-outs and promised I would explain a little bit more about them. Here goes:

Commonly, people will suddenly pull out of a relationship or suddenly refuse to take the relationship to the next step even though all of the signs are there. They may also do a sudden sabotage job that screws up the relationship.

If this has happened to you and you got suckered into a fatal foul up, don’t worry, it’s happened to everyone, including me. It’s pretty much a standard behavior. I don’t feel it is acceptable but it happens in the same way that it isn’t acceptable to just ignore someone and hope they go away, but that is how a lot of break-ups occur.

This sudden pull out is called Last Minute Resistance (LMR).

What do you do?

You Freeze Out.

If you’re laying there in the dark, a few seconds away from scoring and you encounter LMR, then get up, turn on the lights, and just talk.

If you have this romantic picnic all set out, candles and wine, and you go to make your move – uh-oh, LMR, blow out the candles and cork the wine.

If you’re on a date and your date “doesn’t want to talk about,” sounds good: escort them to their car and tell them you’ll call them later.

A Freeze Out means you handle LMR with SINCERE defusing of the situation. Your partner is playing mind games with you to control you so instead of getting angry and lashing out (which I’ve done plenty of times in the past), freeze them out by withdrawing. Don’t flame on, freeze out.

Faking sincerity is the issue. You shouldn’t look like you are punishing them. You are actually agreeing with them: “you’re right, we should cuddle; let’s play cards instead.” This reverse psychology works to overcome the barrier of LMR. Your partner DOES want to cuddle but they want to control you and then cuddle. By removing the possibility of cuddle, they are forced into a flight or fight – either they cuddle or they lose you. But you must appear sincere or otherwise you’re giving control over them

Freeze Outs aren’t necessarily put out or get out. Freeze Outs can be used to confront any resisting behavior. I dated a guy that hated holding hands. I made the mistake of forcing him to do it, demanding that he do it. My mistake. If you try to hold hands and your partner refuses, then break away, do something else, make a phone call on your cell phone or whatever, so that the other person feels the cold. Or perhaps simply stop talking to them. Uncomfortable silence works wonders. Once the Freeze Out is in effect, try again. Often the discomfort forces the person into desperately clinging to any outreach of intimacy that appears to have been lost.

Remember, no anger, though!

Dating a Cancer, part 2: the Specifics

Let me review what Cancer is all about and add some new information to expand your horizon about this seductive but dangerous sign.

Cancers are the most difficult of the signs to recognize and I often confuse them to my sad fate with fire signs. On the positive side, Cancers are passionate, intuitive, imaginative, careful, and protective. On the negative side, they are moody, touchy, clingy, and downright irrational.

Cancers rule the home. Cancer men create these incredibly perfect homes that just impress the heck out of anyone who enters. They are constantly remodeling and adding on to their homes (subconsciously a desire to extend their personal shell). My brother-in-law is a Cancer: he bought a cheap $175k home a few years ago and has since remodeled the kitchen, the entire floor space, the downstairs, installed an extensive electronic system, redone the downstairs bathroom, redone the landscape, and of course put up a fence. Cancer men need a dream home where they can just relax, while Cancer women like places where they can play den mother to a big family.

Cancers love unconditionally, although that doesn't mean they are true lovers. The problem with Cancer is that they tend to run from one love affair to another, but those who have committed themselves commit forever. Cancers are fiercely loyal to friends and family and will die for them. They are actually a little over-protective and it is common for Cancer mothers to smother their children and prevent them from taking risks.

Cancers have a horrible inferiority complex. They brag a lot and you can usually recognize their insecurities by what they boast about. For example, one of my Cancer boyfriends was constantly talking about how horny he was for the women, but he was such a freaking putz when it came to relationships that it was pathetic.

Cancers hate it when other people, particularly loved ones, are successful. The best revenge against a Cancer is to outdo them, which is difficult because they are an ambitious sign. Cancers hate failure and they would rather give up than risk failing.

Cancers brood a lot. Self-pity is an art. They are self-absorbed and tend to lose track of other people's lives. I know a Cancer woman who dated a friend of mine a couple years ago. My friend died last year and she doesn't even know because she's too busy being morbid and popping pills to cure her woes.

Cancers are manipulative. They make good con-men. On the other side, they tend to be prone to flattery (although remember directly complimenting a Cancer is a no-no).

Cancers often have extensive hobbies. My brother-in-law collects CDs, DVDs, and home stereo systems. These collections are usually quite impressive and a sense of pride for the Cancer.

Cancers are passive-aggressive to the extreme. They hate being told what to do and they take revenge to an extreme. A typical Cancer revenge technique is to attempt suicide to get back at loved ones.

Lastly, they are procrastinators. Me mum was constantly at my brother-in-law's throat because he was always waiting until the last minute to do things and then he would end up running late. One time, he went to pick up flowers for my sister and got there so late that the store was closed.

Still interested in dating a Cancer? Okay. Once you have the 10 basic rules down pat, there is some more specific information to focus on practically when dating a Cancer. 5 points for planning a date with your Cancer:

1. Dress

Dressing for a Cancer is difficult and contradictory. Dress like you were going to church or meeting your Cancer's parents but still keep your wardrobe casual with a little sex appeal. Cancers are family oriented and like people who remind them of ministers or their parents. Dress in nice and simple one color pieces, silver or white are the best colors. Don't wear anything that would require more than two minutes to get dressed in. Cancers like a natural look. Organic fibers like cotton work best. Form-fitted but not tight or slutty. Cancers are a sensual sign and they appreciate clothes that show off their physique but not whorishly. Cancer's erotic zone is in the chest area so a shirt slightly unbuttoned would enhance your sex appeal.

2. Eat

Cancers are boring when it comes to food. They are picky and prone to either eating disorders or gluttony. They don't like flashy places or menus. They like someplace cozy and like home. Avoid the typical franchise restaurants and look more for mom and pop diners or stores. Breakfast (particularly all day breakfast) is Cancer's favorite meal of the day. A breakfast buffet would be perfect. Cancers also love seafood (being a water sign) including sushi joints. Because Cancers have such a profound fantasy life, stereotypical romantic dinners like French restaurants would work wonders. Or the opposite, most especially, cooking at home. The surest way to impress a Cancer over the dinner table is to invite their whole family out to a family-style restaurant and of course foot the bill (expect at least 15 people which includes parents, brothers and sisters, in-laws, and random friends who pop up at every holiday celebration).

3. Place

Cancers need an environment where they can be anonymous and invisible. This can take one of two forms. Cancers blend in well with the crowd so the more people around like a party or the mall on the weekend, the better. Don't make a scene though: Cancers want to be invisible. Likewise, an intimate, private locations with no one around for miles will also give Cancer that sense of protection and invisibility.

Cancer is a water sign so places by the water like a lake or pool or the beach are good places to go. Go swimming or feed the ducks, perhaps go to an aquarium or sailing or to a spa. If you can afford it, take her on a cruise.

Picnics with that traditional courtship and picnic baskets and sitting on a large blanket where the two of you can cuddle and watch the children play in the park is romance for your Cancer.

Cancers are often alcoholics. It is part of their desire for self-destruction. You can spice up any date by just adding alcohol. Bars would be the obvious place but you could also try wine-tasting or simply bringing a bottle of wine to your picnic or seaside date.

Anywhere with children would be perfect. I almost asked one of my Cancer boys to take me to Chuck E. Cheese but backed out. Playgrounds, Build A Bear, those babysitter spots in the malls where parents let their children run wild, birthday parties, etc.

Traditional romantic dates will fulfill Cancer's ideal fantasies. Cancer is a nostalgia sign so celebrate every possible celebration (like your first month anniversary or the anniversary of the day you met) in creative ways. If she is turning 23, buy her 23 presents and hold a scavenger hunt or have some creative way to send her the presents (using small children is perfect). Cancers would also love pretend dates like pretending you're a married couple and going to open houses or shopping for furniture or expensive clothes. Remember your flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) but remember never to tell a Cancer that you love them. Cancer is ruled by the Moon so a walk under the Moon or moonlight and candles is another romantic idea.

Cancer is also an artistic sign, particularly with music, so spicing up the romance with music (and alcohol, of course) is a must. Concerts, the opera, community events like Christmas concerts, and such are good dates. Cancers usually like hardcore cathartic music, anything with emotional power, ranging from heavy metal to opera. They also appreciate classic rock music, anything with a sense of nostalgia and conformity (meaning lots of people like it and so should your Cancer).

Movie-wise, Cancers are a sucker for a good comedy but also like anything melodramatic that allows them to purge their infinitely repressed emotions.

Cancers typically have extensive hobbies or collections. Find good stores to take them to that indulge these obsessions and let them run wild.

Find places that Cancer has already built an attachment to. Cancers don't like anything new so rely on the old fall backs every so often.

Plan dates involving their family. Cancers will more than likely have family routines like going out every Friday to the movies as a family. Likewise, get your Cancer involved with your family traditions.

Lastly, as the nostalgia sign, Cancers love looking for useless crap or adding to collections and hobbies. Yard sales and garage sales or thrift shops or antique stores are perfect places for a weekend getaway.

4. Talk

Cancers are one-sided conversationalist. They don't like to talk about personal things but they love listening to people talk.

To get your Cancer talking, ask them questions about:

• Their childhood
• Their family, particularly their mother
• Career aspirations
• Pet peeves
• Their dream home
• Where they live or have lived

Remember that Cancer has a lot of baggage so when they do open up, they will drop bombs on you that will deliberately try to push you away. Just grin and bear it and don't judge.

5. Gifts

Cancers need ridiculously personal and intimate gifts that personify how you feel about them. The Heart of the Ocean from Titanic might be enough to satisfy your Cancer. If it is anything less than true love, Cancer will smile, hold a grudge, and then wallop you a couple years later.

Gifts should be homemade, crafted by hand, antique, personal artifacts, or expensive. Cancer wants your soul so you must bare it all unreserved.

Gifts for Cancer must have a personal touch, even if it is something as simple as sending out a card, calling (not) to say I love you, a small box of candy, or just that extra touch. I definitely recommend that extra touch so bring at least two presents: the actual present plus an added touch.

Whatever gifts you get for Cancer should be tailormade and non-interchangable with anyone else. Imagine that your gift was DNA-encoded just for your Cancer and wouldn't work for anyone else!

Present your gifts in stages. First, emphasize the importance of your Cancer. Build up the intimate ambiance. It is best that your Cancer knows what he or she is getting so don't worry about suspence. Present the main gift. Then present the secondary gift.

Emphasize intimacy, nostalgia, childhood, the home, and personal interests of your Cancer.

Create a photo album of all the special moments you shared with your Cancer.

Give your Cancer baby pictures of you.

Cancer loves taking baths so gifts for the bathtub will work wonders.

Alcohol, of course.

Mixed CDs as small personal gifts, perhaps accompanying romantic dates.

Cancers have hobbies and collections so add to their hobbies and collections.

Cancers is home-oriented so gifts for the home are a must. Books of interior design are at the top of the list or perhaps cookbooks.

Don't forget to bring gifts for Cancer's mother and family.

As I end this part (and I doubt I will have a part 3), perhaps you feel a little more comfortable dating a Cancer now that you have a sense of what makes them tick.

Good luck with your life and love.

Dating a Cancer, part 1: the Basics

Cancer is a cardinal water sign. Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) are action signs: they take the lead and get things done. Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) are emotions signs that rely heavily on emotion, intuition, and irrational behavior. As a cardinal water sign, Cancer is the sign of instinctive action.

Cancers in a nutshell are extremely moody. On the positive side, they are nurturing, caring, protective, motherly individuals. On the negative side, Cancers are ridiculously self-destructive, cowardly, passive-aggressive, and manipulative.

Cancers are the MILF sign. Have you ever had a crush on your middle school English teacher or your best friend's mother, or even your boyfriend or girlfriend's mother? Cancers capture all of that Oedipal attraction with the distinct possibility of actually getting laid. Throw in their vulnerable self-destructive tendencies, Cancers draw in rescuers and abusers only to tie them up in knots and throw them away.

If you're interested in another mother, have infinite patience, and know a good therapist, then here are 10 Things To Know about dating a Cancer:

1. Pursuit

You have to pursue your Cancer love if you want a relationship. Cancers are masters at passive-aggression and even though they are cardinal signs, they actively avoid being the chaser. They love being chased! A Cancer will actually actively passive-aggressively manipulate you into chasing them. Usually Cancers will be the ones who wave their hands and get loudly drunk so that everyone notices them and then they run away so you have to chase them. Cancers love to tease so take these chases with a grain of salt. Conversely, because they are the moody sign, Cancer also like to sulk and pretend they're invisible: that person sitting alone out of the way isolated is probably a Cancer pissed off that no-one is noticing them.

2. Patience

With Cancers, you need more patience than God. Cancers are so cautious that instead of diving into the water, they first dip their toe in and if the water is cold, then they NEVER EVER go swimming again, never. Pursuing a Cancer is like feeding the squirrels. You have to sit down in their general area, have bait to lure them in, slowly move closer inch by inch, and then repeat this over the course of the next several years. Congrats! You now have the useless talent of feeding a squirrel out of your hand. Expect a long courtship, usually months, if you're lucky, between dates.

The reason behind this caution and slowness is that Cancers are idealistic romantics, so idealistic that there is no hope of their fantasies ever coming true. Most Cancers have been involved in some traumatic relationship that has permanently embittered them into cynicism. They expect their lovelife to be pain and they do everything to avoid that pain. The minute they see a crack of danger, they run away.

3. Extreme Resistance

Cancers have a distinct mating ritual: they do everything in their power to destroy their relationships. This self-destructive behavior serves many purposes. One, it is a test to see if the relationship is true. Cancers need unconditional love, to the point where if they put a knife in your back and cut out your kidneys, they expect you to still love them. If you stay after they eviscerate you, then they know it is true love. Two, Cancers are manipulative control freaks and the more you stick around after putting up with all their crap, the more they have you wrapped around their finger.

Dealing with Cancer sabotaging is difficult. Some advice. First, Cancers will sabotage most strongly when the going is good, so the minute you feel relaxed, expect a full frontal attack. Second, learn to notice what mood they are in. A sad Cancer needs someone to rescue them so whenever Cancer is sad, go in and play the sympathetic romantic ear. Act like someone died, along with flowers and sympathy cards. If Cancer is mad, leave them alone. Third, learn to ignore Cancer at appropriate times. The more attention you give a Cancer, the less they will want you. You have to take notice when they start withdrawing and then pull your own withdraw. Cancer want what they can't have and lose interest in what they have. But as a nostalgic sign, Cancers hate losing or letting go of things. For example, a Cancer I dated was notorious for canceling dates: whenever he re-scheduled, I would tell him I couldn't make it and ask him to re-schedule for some other time. Keep the game going. That's why courtships with Cancer are so long: you spend all your time procrastinating between dates!

4. Openness but...

Cancers are self-protective. Never ask them personal questions. They will turn the attempt around and milk you for every private moment you ever had. Don't expect Cancers to be open or to do something called communicate. Not going to happen. The best maneuver you can do is to lead by example. Let them play their game and open yourself up. By being open with them, you might inspire them into being open themselves. Just remember number 3 above: the minute a Cancer opens up, they will run away. Send flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, waterlily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) immediately and then ignore them when they call.

5. Nurturing

Cancer whine like little children and they never run out of things to complain about. They will slowly sap your will to live with their constant negativity. You MUST nurture the heck out of them, listening to every neurotic complaint without saying a word, telling them that all of their (stupid) plans will work out and everything will be SAFE (that's the key word) and secure.

6. Mother

Stalk your Cancer's mother. Google her. Learn everything you can about her. Mold yourself into the perfect son or daughter. Say, why yes, I used to work in (mother's profession). Why yes, I have been to (mother's ethnic homeland). Why yes, I have found a cure for (mother's neurotic illness). Send her mother flowers, thanking her for having such a wonderful son/daughter. Watch the movie Psycho a couple (dozen) times: a boy's best friend is his mother. Once you've slept with your Cancer's mother and have her permission and approval, you're in the bag.

7. Safety

A Cancer's prime concern in life is safety and security. Their two major motivating phrases are SAFE (if you want them to do something) or NOT SAFE (if you don't want them to do something). Before going on a date with a Cancer, scan the situation. If you are driving them anywhere, have clean underwear, a full tank of gas, AAA auto-recovery, ironclad insurance, drive slowly, never in bad weather, use perfect driver's safety, have a cell phone on you, get new tires, etc. Cancers need to feel safe for them to leave home and you have to become their security blanket. Learn karate so that you can defend them in case you get mugged. Have a solidly invested CD so Cancer knows you have a financial plan. Personally know a lock smith or a home security specialist. Most of all, be possessive when out with a Cancer. Cancers will cling to you like they were your Siamese twin: refuse to get into an elevator if someone else is in there, clutch them close to you and move them away from other people, switch sides if you see a puddle, literally hold them in a hug that reminds you of a restraining technique they'd use in a mental institution, don't sit on their lap because they'd be afraid you'd fall off.

By the way, these comments that I am making which sound over-exaggerated and sarcastic are dead serious. I am not kidding!!!! Notice the exclamation marks!

8. Self-deprecation

Cancers believe life is pain. If they experience a moment of happiness, they'll become scared and run away. You have to learn to subtly insult your Cancer in order to keep them around. Flattery doesn't work as much as self-deprecating humor. Some examples,

"You look better than you did yesterday"
"You didn't suck"
"I'll think about it" (the best answer to "do you love me?")
"I don't know why I put up with you"

Never tell a Cancer that you love them. Never compliment them. Most of all, Cancers are fragile and easily offended, so learn to be subtle and reinforce their own low self-esteem rather than be bluntly abrasive and insulting. Once you've offended a Cancer (usually through something trivial), you've made an enemy for life.

9. Happy Memories

Before dating or even expressing romantic interest in a Cancer, the best trick would be to disappear for a long time. Cancers are nostalgic people and what really gets them randy is for someone from their past to suddenly pop up and bring back all sorts of happy memories. Make new memories with your Cancer so that down the road you can say, "remember when we...?" Since Cancers have such an active romantic fantasy life, don't hold back on the romantic gestures and make every moment a Kodak moment. Make photo albums or take pictures or buy/create small tokens of love and sharing. Remember everything, even if it's her sister's favorite flavor of ice cream or the name of all her family members or the first time you met. Celebrate everything! Cancers will pretend that they don't want you to acknowledge your first anniversary (first, meaning first week) but if you don't, they'll hate you forever and run away. Expect to look through endless baby pictures: these are sacred as a Hindu cow so treat every scrap of paper, picture, or skin cell sample as a token of true love.

10. Children

Cancers are maternal signs. They love children. Use children to influence your Cancer. Carry pictures of children in your wallet. Bring your Cancer to playgrounds. Talk about your childhood. As part of this, Cancers are also family-oriented so you have to learn how to create a family dynamic. As with rule number 6 (Mother), stalk your Cancer's family, love them more than your own, use terms like "sister" rather than "sister-in-law" or "my girlfriend's sister".

Later on I will focus in more on the actual process of dating a Cancer. In the meanwhile, hopefully this blog will give you something to think about.

Venus on a Half-Shell: Differing Styles of Communication in Relationships

Have you ever had your significant other just suddenly withdraw from you and stop talking to you for an extended period, or perhaps even worse, suddenly verbally jump on you with a deluge of unsolvable problems?

Welcome to the world of communication breakdowns!

Some people when faced with difficult problems or stress withdraw from personal relationships in order to solve their problems on their own. These types of people are called Cave-dwellers but I am trying to come up with a new name for them that alludes more to the tendency of crabs to withdraw into their shell. Shell-dwellers, perhaps.

The opposite of Shell-dwellers are the Talkers. Not really a clever or original term but that's what I'll call them. They like to talk about their problems and oh, boy, will they give you an earful.

As part Cancer and part Leo, I am both Shell-dweller and Talker.

Cancers are notorious for withdrawing from relationships during times of stress. They would rather kill themselves than talk about personal matters because opening themselves up to someone is a good way of getting irreparably hurt. The Cancer side of me tends to sulk and mope around a lot. After me mum died, I was up and about at three am walking around or taking walks in the wood, then retreating to my room, never saying a word to anyone. I was thinking about my problems.

The Leo in me loves to talk but beware: if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you. This is why I retreat into my shell a lot because when I talk, I infodump in one long over-heated tirade that often scares people into blank motionless reactions. "Sorry I asked."

Talkers are dangerous to a relationships, Shell-Dwellers can be fatal.

My dad is a talker but with a little bit of a Shell-dweller in him. He holds it inside and then when I'm open and vulnerable, he wallops me with an infodump. He did this to me a lot when I was a child. When I first got suspended from school for trying to beat up the vice principal, he took me for a ride and locked the doors while we were driving so he could just explode on me.

Typically talkers are not so hostile or decompressive but when they infodump, they can be overwhelming.

Talkers talk as a way of relieving stress. They have to get it out of them or else it eats them alive. Unfortunately, their infodumps tend to come out in a stream of consciousness. They start with one idea and while they're at it, move into random problems with little sense of steering. Just when you think you have a hold on what's going on you find yourself somewhere else.

When people talk about problems, the natural reactions to these infodumps is 1) to take offense for being blamed; 2) to solve the problem; and/or 3) get frustrated.

Infodumping is not an attack even though it may seem like one. One boyfriend of mine got really ticked off at me when I told him that I was getting a lot of deja vu when he was around and that usually I got deja vu when I was under stress. "Are you under stress when I'm around?" he barked. He saw my rambling as an attack and sometimes Talking can come out wrong or bluntly because the Talker isn't preparing his or her words. You're not being attacked.

You might think that when someone Talks about his or her problems that they want them solved, right? No, they're just Talking. But immediately people will react to a Talker's problem by posing solutions or looking for solutions. By posing a solution you're interrupting the Talker's stream of conscious tirade and not allowing them to vent properly. Many defense mechanism actively refuse solutions because the logical thinking prevents emotional expression. You offer a solution and then get shut down, feeling worthless and helpless. In many cases, the problems are unsolvable! What are you supposed to do?!

Lastly, because infodumps can be so stream of consciousness and impossible to understand, you may sit there for long minutes waiting for the person to get to the point. I once had a friend who told me a joke that lasted for about 10 minutes, seriously, and then had no punchline. That was the joke: to have people sit and wait for 10 minutes for no punchline. A long scattered infodump can try a person's patience and eventually force them into stopping the one-sided conversation. Boom! Get this Talker out of here! But this rambling and climax-less build up is a necessary drama and confusion to release built up tension. By asking a Talker to get to the point, you are teasing them with foreplay and no sex.

If a person tries to Talk and they instead get attacks, solutions, or frustration, they then lose their ability to Talk and emotionally express themselves. They can no longer communicate and the relationship will slowly fall apart. This was a problem that I had with me mum. I'd try to Talk with her about problems and she'd take it as an attack. She'd strike back at me and then we'd get into a big fight. One time I put a hole in the wall with my foot when I tried to Talk to her about problems with my sister. She'd even ask for us to Talk and then still attack me; I fell for that trick a few times and then eventually stopped Talking to her. Then she died.

What do you do with a Talker?

1. Listen. Don't add your two cents in. maybe an occassional "mm-hmn." Every once in awhile, summarize what the person said to show that you understood what they said. You'll find that they'll keep going and going and that you don't have anything particularly important to contribute anyhow.

2. Don't give advice or solutions. Just listen. Asking questions during appropriate pauses might help your partner express more or direct him or her to a particularly necessary revelation.

3. Remember that you're not being attacked. Don't defend yourself. I had a boyfriend go into a real paranoid rant about how I was some doppelganger of another girl he had dated, I was so like this person, same age, same astrological sign, same ethnicity, etc. I just smilled and asked, "how am I different?"

4. Be patient. Let them ramble. Don't get frustrated. What works for me is to remember that I am being Talked to and to take satisfaction in my silence as a sign that I am handling the situation properly. Get satisfaction through patience.

Shell-dwelling can be more deadly to a relationship.

Since I've dated a few Cancers, I've had the experience of terrible Shell-dwelling. My first Cancer would take monthes of private time where he'd drop out of sight and refuse to talk to me. I'd go stir crazy wondering what I had done wrong that was causing him to punish me like that?! My second Cancer pushed my button on Shell-dwelling: I had finally escaped my brooding first Cancer when my second Cancer boy started pulling away from me. Boy, did I lose my temper. If I had just a little more caffeine I would have thrown him over the guard rails at the mall we were at! It was at that time I started noticing the pattern and looked into the matter. When my third Cancer started pulling out, I let him, kept quiet, and bonded with him when he was out of his shell rather than kicking him in the balls to punish him for withdrawing.

Shell-dwelling is a defense mechanism that people use to focus on finding solutions to a particularly powerful problem. Shell-dwellers do not open up to others. They see it as a sign of weakness or as a threat to their emotional vulnerability. Instead they withdraw into their own personal worlds where they start running the numbers through their heads. When they have found the solution, they come out of their shell and continue with the relationship.

Some Shell-dwellers can get stuck in their shell because they can't figure things out. They then have to distract themselves with solving smaller problems, usually other people's problems or some type of vicarious conflict like a movie or sporting event or something in the news. These minor problems provide solutions that lubricate the shell so that the bigger problems become more solvable.

The problem is that Shell-dwellers inadvertantly threaten the security of their relationship. By withdrawing, they sever the emotional bonds of their relationship and end up holding back intimate needs. There would be times in which I wouldn't see my one Cancer boy for a month or longer because he was so busy dwelling on his problems. That's a month and more of my life that's being wasted! I didn't get into a relationship to sit around and not do anything!

Even worse, Shell-dwellers end up pushing away their loved ones. Breaking off communication or hiding personal problems or refusing to talk about private matters can be seen as a violation of trust -- a way of saying "I dont trust you" to their partner. Again, it is also a threat that emotional support is going to be withdrawn and that the relationship may possibly be ending.

Unfortunately, Shell-dwellers need this withdrawl and to force them out of their shell prevents them from resolving their problems. After me mum died, I spent a lot of time traveling, essentially homeless for a couple months while I was figuring things out. My father eventually tracked me down and forced me back home, preventing me from resolving my post-mortem depression.

What do you do with a Shell-dweller?

1. Let them go. If you love something let it go. Sounds like a really fagly cliche but with my first and third Cancer, I gave them the room to withdraw and they eventually did return. With my second Cancer, I punished him badly for withdrawing and that ended the relationship.

2. As above, don't punish. Since Shell-dwelling can be emotionally difficult to handle, it's natural to be bitter or to take it personally and punish the person. Don't. By punishing them, you prevent them from withdrawing and handling their problems.

3. But don't reward them either. Shell-dwelling can get abusive and manipulative if done too much, like children who hold their breath until they get what they want. I made the mistake one time of pretty much throwing a "Thank Heaven he's out of his shell" party for my first cancer boy and that was a mistake. I ended up rewarding him for withdrawing from our relationship and this increased his tendency to withdraw rather than communicate with me. Eventually one of his withdrawals ended our relationship because he was contaminating the relationship with too much instability.

4. Freeze-out, if necessary. If your partner is Shell-dwelling, it isn't the time to re-invigorate the relationship. If you try to cling and up the relationship with more affection, you will interfere with the Shell-dwelling and actually put more pressure on him. However, if you maintain your relationship at the same level, you are actually rewarding him by providing a relationship for free. The term "freeze-out" means you let him withdraw and in the meanwhile, subtly withdraw yourself. Reduce the intensity of your relationship, almost like starting over. Don't punish, just make the Shell-dweller miss you. I'll talk about "freeze outs" in another blog posting.

Communication is one of the most important glues of a relationship. If everyone communicated the same way relationships would last forever like a perpetual motion machine. But alas, the Tower of Babel fell a long, long time ago.

The Polygamous Ideal?

Is the monogamous ideal going out of fashion? Should people have multiple partners and open relationships as a standard rather than as a scandalous exception?

I have never ever been involved with more than one guy at a time, and I've never ever cheated. I've had no desire to, because even though I admit that I've had an attraction for as many as half a dozen men at one time, I feel it is disrespectful to date more than one person at a time (and neither could I handle such multi-tasking). I admit, I am a randiful flirt and maybe the opportunity has never actually been given to me to date more than one guy, but I can honestly say at the moment that I wouldn't do it.

This topic came up after I was reading through a forum called Why does Pisces lie about the tendency of the Pisces personality to lie and have affairs. I found some of the statements to be outrageous, for example,

So to really keep him faithful to you, at least emotionally, I would recommend you let him be as promiscuous as he wants to be. Showing that you are so strong and secure in yourself as to let him do what and who he wants and still love him is a HUGE turn on for him (at least for me). He may or may not take you up on this freedom you are allowing him (although I'm sure he'll flirt), but regardless, he'll certainly become more attached to you emotionally, regardless of his actions. This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you let him fool around with others, you are basically the absolute perfect woman, and I'm sure that he will do everything he can to make you happy otherwise. It's a different sense of faithful, but grant him sexual and emotional freedom, and he'll always be there for you. Emotionally.

WTF? Only on Granola World could anyone make such an outrageous claim that goes so much against what a relationship is supposed to mean, or at least what it means to me.

As a side-note, I've dated a few Pisces (three I believe). My first experience with a Pisces still lingers in my heart. He was a gorgeous man, a professional model with a taste for morbidity and piercings, but he was a psycho manwhore when it came to relationships. We were friends for several months before we started dating and every week he'd blog about another girlfriend who had betrayed him. How many times can you get betrayed before you figure maybe it's your fault? He was so open with what I thought was intimate stuff, where he'd post an announcement on his MySpace bulletin looking for someone to come over and cuddle. After two disappointing dates and lots of broken dreams, I found loving him like being in love with water.

To stay in a committed relationship, do we have to be polygamous?

On every level I do understand what the polygamous Pisces freak above is talking about, though. Emotional freedom is a major cause for the ruin of a relationship: the minute someone feels trapped in a relationship, they freak out and hit the road. By allowing a person to have a legitimized affair, they are given their emotional freedom. As the freak above mentions, it takes a strong person to be secure knowing that her boyfriend is out screwing someone else. Aren't we attracted to strong people? Don't we like people who are un-possessive?

On the other side, I see the opposite, where I have too much respect for myself to get involved in an open relationship and I'll explain why in another paragraph or two. Likewise, I know something about management and in any complex social system (which means a system of more than one person) absolute freedom is impossible. If you run an office or raise children laissez-faire, the results will be horrendous!

I've also read about the necessity of having competition in a relationship. Emotional bonds can grow stale and your significant other can start taking you for granted. It is necessary to create the illusion that your love could be lost to someone else. Competition also satisfies personal emotional needs that are restrained by being with only one person. One person isn't capable of satisfying every need and having friends of the opposite sex can re-vigorize a faltering libido that has been tied down too long. If used within the confines of a monogamous relationship, competition can improve self-confidence and improve a relationship.

Our cultures doesn't promote competition because competition means someone has to lose and we don't want to damage the precious self-esteem of our troubled youth.

I've seen competition at play in one of my college classrooms at a more almost lackadaisical level where one of my professors, a handsome and suave younger gentlemen, was constantly playing the female students off each other, stirring up competition. He'd grin and gleam and say something like, "Melina is my favorite student, not Megan," and Megan would be so pissed but you could see the desire just raging behind her eyes. Why else then would she be so pissed?

I've never been one for competition in dating. I am a competitive person, yes, but back when I started dating, I had a guy who played me off someone else. He was dating another woman but giving me fresh attention and naive little old me just soaked it up, thinking if I were patient, I'd be the only one. Of course that never happened and the guy was just a player (and abusive as well). I eventually became his worst enemy. His life didn't turn out that well as he got a couple girls pregnant and married a real loser.

The minute a guy even makes a move towards another woman, I immediately lose respect for him and I kick him to the curb (usually after kicking him in the balls). I can see no redeeming value in someone who seeks to manipulate or disrespect me in such a way. I can throw it back easily: I've screwed over a 100 men and I'll screw easily a 1000 before my life is over. No one man has any value to me that I'll let him push my monogamy button.

When I was doing my Bachelor's, I studied extensively the psychology of Karen Horney (it's pronounced Or-nay) and one of her articles is called "The Problem of the Monogamous Ideal." In her article, Horney talks about how polygamous desires are natural -- we are naturally attracted to multiple lovers and the fulfillment of these sexual desires is a natural goal. Monogamy, however, frustrates these subconscious goals by forcing a person into sexual satisfaction with one person, with satisfaction being an impossibility because our natural tendency is to have sexual fantasies about multiple partners. Even worse, polygamy is viewed as a sin and sexual frustration is enhanced by guilt and other unnatural repression of normal tendencies.

I had a boyfriend who propositioned me about a menege a trois. I had sensed that there was someone else going on but I let the thought go to give him the benefit of the doubt and not come across as being insecure. Of course, there was someone else and eventually he came to me and said something like this:

My room-mate is a woman whom I was was once engaged to. She is bi-sexual and it bothers me that she is attracted to women. I am still in love with her even though she only views me as a friend. I am sad because she is moving out soon and I don't want to be alone. I want you to stand by me while I pursue this relationship however long it may take.

I politely asked him not to contact me again and walked away from the situation.

I've always considered myself a sexually risque person but that doesn't mean that I believe everything is okay. Somewhere boundaries need to be set up and people who try to break through these boundaries are not pioneers but freaks who should be sterilized.

Relationships have an emotional investment in them and a polygamous ideal is just as unhealthy as a frigid woman, as a single mother, or as a divorced couple. These are not positive signs of a changing culture but rather of a culture that is lost and dissatisfied, not knowing what it wants but trying to conform with values that it can no longer understand or connect with. The result is somewhat adolescent.

The contra idea is that the open sexual relationship is not the problem but rather the repression of sexual desire and the need for secrecy created by affairs. Open relationships, if evolving out of shared and open desires, can be a dream come true. No secrecy, no trust issues, only free love. Of course, that worked for the Hippies, right? Welcome back, tofu-suckers!

A polygamous relationship will never survive because relationships require security and priority which cannot exist when emotional bonds are being shared in multiple directions. Trust cannot be built. Each partner will always wonder if he or she is being loved the most. Equity is impossible.

The polygamist is merely another dysfunction that is attempting to validate itself. Activists make it look like polygamy is a widely practice arrangement that everybody does, but how many open marriages or relationships can you name in your personal life, not on TV or in your fantasy world? These people working on open relationships or playing around are simply out-of-control children who need corporal punishment to remind them of their failures as a human being.

What type of culture values deception and mistrust as an ideal?

Serial monogamy has been another emphasis in our new polygamous ideal where people point out that most people do not dedicate themselves to one person but rather through a series of monogamous relationships. I am guilty of that. Am I being polygamous by having screwed over 100 guys in my short life span? What is the difference in being intimately involved with more than one person at a time versus being involved with over 100 people in an assembly line?

That's a stupid question...

...but the point is, we generally do not have lifelong partners and this is a flaw in our enforced need for monogamy in light of the fact that polygamy sems to be the ideal.

But it isn't a flaw but rather an answer. Instead of screwing around with multiple partners, take your singular relationships to their limits and allow them to dissolve naturally rather than maintain them indefinitely. Polygamists are suffering from the same neurosis of maintaining a lifelong partner but also fooling around on the side as a way of maintaining that lifelong partner. The lifelong ideal is just as bad as the polygamous ideal.

This is not to say that the idea behind polygamy is completely incorrect. We are raised, at least I was, to embrace an ideal of marriage that is unrealistic and when we fall to do the impossible, we are smacked down with the guilt and worthlessness of our failure. People enter into new relationships with the expectations of a lifelong relationship and then rationalize infidelity rather than re-evaluating their expectations.

Some comments on monogamy and polygamy to help with your own relationships:

1. Don't enter into a new relationship with the intent of staying around forever. Be honest that you are more than likely just having a fling that won't last. Likewise, don't deceive the other person by giving off a sense of a long-term commitment.

2. Develop friendships rather than relationships. Why does every male and female relationship have to become intimate? Isn't it possible to have a nice sexually tense relationship with someone? Work on this. I worked in a place that did not allow people to date and at first it was nerve wracking and sterilizing to be around so many hot guys and not be able to date any of them. After awhile, though, I found the feeling to be refreshing, to be able to flirt and have fun without the pressure of making the relationship work (because I knew it wouldn't work out anyway).

3. Sex rarely lasts in the long term. Similar to idea #1, everybody advises against having sex too early because it could ruin a relationship. Those people are right but use this fact to your advantage. Why prolong a sexual encounter in order to postpone a break-up. I've done that and ended up never sexually consummating some relationships. These unconsummated relationships are the ones that still have control over me because I never achieved climax and closure to move on. Instead of having polygamous sex, let sex be the adjudicator.

4. Don't advocate or tolerate polygamy. If a person suggests an open relationship, politely refuse and give them the option of either staying or closing the relationship. Explain to them what I've written: your relationship with them is ending and that if they want to pursue sex with someone else that they either provide closure to your relationship with them (either one last romp in the hay or something) and leave or just plain leave. There's no point in continuing the relationship. You can also give them the opportunity to re-examine what they want honestly out of the relationship with you in order to gain a sense of closure but if closure is impossible and they want to have an open relationship, end your relationship with them.

Ideals are something to strive for, not to abandon.

Then kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill! Should We Get Revenge on Ex-Lovers?

Have you ever been jilted, treated terribly, or abused by your significant other? How should you handle the post-break-up trauma after escaping from these types of relationships? Do you clean up and move on with your life or do you get back at your ex?

In the words of the immortal bard,

Oft have I heard that grief softens the mind,
And makes it fearful and degenerate;
Think therefore on revenge and cease to weep.

In modern English, seek revenge.

I once had a co-worker describe me as the girl with short hair and repressed anger. The hair comment was a low blow because I am rather jealous of women who can grow their hair long because I get split ends past my shoulders. I kicked him in the balls, knocked him down onto a coffee table, and then crunched his balls for a second opinion. He changed his mind about that repressed anger thing.

But he did have a point. Dating me is like trying to give a wolverine a bath. I'm feisty, temperamental, childish, terretorial, and I will turn on you at the drop of a hat if I think you're screwing me over.

Why then would you want to date me? Other than the facts that I am really, really good looking and fuck like a muppet drummer (which is really all men care about), I firmly believe in the gift of freedom and respect to the men I date. They have the right to tend to their own lives and make their own choices and I'm not interested in getting involved in someone else's daily angst. Live your own life. Save yourself.

But this gift isn't unconditional. All I expect in return is that people clean up their lives before getting emotionally involved with me. Bury the memory of your ex-girlfriend. Cure your psychiatric illness. Settle your affairs. I can fit my life into two suitcases: I don't need someone else's baggage.

I've found that people will sacrifice everything to pursue pipedreams or to have their cake and eat her too.

I dated a schizophrenic man. The mentally ill are hardcore examples of social dysfunction that is present in everyone. The mentally ill have impenetrable defense mechanisms where they can act as irresponsibly as they want and never have to make amends because they are sick, clueless as to how much damage they inflict to people stupid enough to love them. I learned how to do a backward bridge like a gymnist putting up with my schizo's problems and when the time came for me to kick him in the balls, he chose to follow the path of his illness rather than put it aside to save our relationship. He left me with nothing but the maudlin culpability of having no one to blame but myself.

When I heard that he had moved on and had began dating someone else, I was furious. My relationship with him cost me my health, my job, and my apartment, and as much as I knew he would simply inflict the same scars on to his new victim, there was an insecure part of me that laid awake painfully wondering if perhaps I was the problem. What if he does find happiness with someone else?

And then I remembered more words from that immortal bard:

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

A person in love doesn't have to qualify that feeling. Neither does a person who contemplates revenge. There is nothing to think about and thinking about the moral implications of revenge becomes a Catch-22 moral trap, sacrificing yourself as a sad mind and fearful degenerate to remain honorable to someone who betrayed you. There is nothing to do but seek revenge and damn yourself, if need be.

My bold schizo boy, in the words of the Frankenstein monster, I will be with you on your wedding night, when the padre proclaims, "speak now or forever hold your peace," I will be standing in the aisle with a taser and hard copies of your dirty secrets. Ah, not just in the movies.

Anything to an extreme is unhealthy but not necessarily the thing in itself. Love can be just as disastrous as revenge if handled badly. 'Tis not the revenge but the mind that enacts it.

A proper revenge is the ultimate high, higher than absinthe and opera, higher than a flapjack and a cigarette at a mom and pop diner three o'clock am in the rain.

I came across a website that was against getting even with your ex. Let me go over what this tofu-sucker had to say because his website looked like something shat out by an automatic writing html program with no common sense or genitalia:

You might regret it in the end. I doubt it. That's what cognitive dissonance is for. Part of revenge is pursuing necessary closure and compensation. You're not seeking revenge out of spite but rather to settle affairs. Is it so wrong to seek compensation? Is it right to deny someone closure or compensation?

You are only prolonging your agony and hurting yourself. I kind of agree with this statement because hanging around in the memorial of an old relationship only continuously stirs up bad feelings. I've had this happen where for maybe a couple years after a bad relationship ended, I kept having to damage control the fallout of that relationship and it stirred up all the old pains. When I finally refocused my mindset from mourning to revenge, I finally smiled again. It gave me a goal in life.

You have other outlets to get over your ex. Like what? Sublimation? Isn't sublimation a psychological term for not getting what you want? It's still a defense mechanism. Stop sublimating and get what you want. To thine own self be true, even if you're a total psycho like I am.

Move on with your life. Wow! That's good advice! Why didn't I think of that? That is such an abusive thing to say to people: "get over it." Obviously something is preventing people from getting over it. Say it, Shakespeare:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

Donald Trump states in his autobiography that when we suffer outrageous misfortunes, that a strong person will recover rather than sulk and whine. I agree. Trump also says to hold a grudge against those people who caused your misfortune and screw them over the minute you can. It's a necessary statement. Why is revenge necessarily contra to moving on? Revenge is moving on.

You’ll end up making yourself look bad. One might argue that the person who jilted you made you look bad already and you are honorbound to save face. Remember the Trojan War: Menelaus had to destroy Troy because the Trojans made him look like a fool and threatened to dethrone his seat of power. You may think, "I don't care what other people think about me": so, you're okay with them laughing at you behind your back? If you don't care what they think about you then why should that stall your revenge? Besides, revenge is best kept anonymous.

Why should you want to get even with a loser in the first place? Good point. Who's the real loser: my schizo boy or me for dating him? I take pleasure in knowing that my ex's will more than likely ruin their future relationships like they did mine with theirs, but every so often I catch word of an ex who is achieving some success. One of my ex's just got into a PhD program and posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend linked to his professional website. That's enough of that. Some people need a good shot-down to remind them that they're not acting right.

Forgive and forget. I forgive people easily. Anyone who apologizes will get my forgiveness. But pardon me, doesn't an apology mean that you'll stop what you're apologizing for? Many apologies are hollow and people return back to their original behavior as soon as the coast is clear. My schizo boy had an acute attack on me and I left. When he came back and apologized and explained the situation, I gave him a second chance. A month later I had to kick him in the balls because he was still schizing out and stubbornly refusing to acknowledge it. He left. How sorry was he? When I was in the 12th grade, my boyfriend brutally broke up with me so I set his and his twin brother's lockers on fire (his brother was an accident -- I couldn't tell them apart and burned the wrong locker) and then told him I'd keep going until he apologized. That may sound scary but everyone who knew what was going on gave me a round of applause because they knew the fucker deserved it from more than me. He apologized. I knew he was sorry because I made him sorry.

On Granola World, hearts never get broken. People never cry. Cowboys never cheat on you with other men. All relationships end on peaceful terms with a sense of closure. Here in the real world, relationships end not with common courtesy but simply end however they might fall. Don't you think that you should get closure and compensation from those who have hurt you? When is that going to happen? We have to live in the world as it is rather than the world as it should of be. What's the difference between lack of closure and revenge? Both are wrong. Both happen.

If you are planning your revenge, here are some guidelines:

1. Make your revenge a goal in life, not your life. The best revenge is to move on with your life and be succesful. There will always be insecurity in revenge and make sure that getting even isn't about sating wrathful intentions but about settling your affairs. You might spend a lifetime waiting for a single moment of revenge that will never come. Don't waste your life. Make your revenge a business plan and leave your work at the office.

2. Take a chill pill and take your time. Never seek revenge in a moment of fury. Plan with clarity and detail. Crimes of passions always have bad results. You need to be methodical and enjoy the pleasure of bad thoughts. Give your ex time to forget about you. Give him time to relax. People also gain more assets (to lose) as they grow older; a mortgage, a business, and a marriage. My ex cost me a relationship, my job, and my apartment. I'll gladly wait ten years to return the favor with interest.

3. Keep your anonymity. Why risk retaliation for the pleasant thought of them knowing it's you? It's actually much more staisfying when they don't know. I believe it's called dramatic irony.

4. Keep an eye on your ex. With Google and Facebook and MySpace, there are so many ways of keeping an eye of your ex, most of them creepy, but hey, what can I say? Keep track of what your ex is doing. The more you know, the more opportunities will show up for getting even. My one ex plays guitar at a local cafe. I wonder how well he'd perform if I were to suddenly show up in the audience. Anyone care to join me for some green tea?

5. Plan your battles. Don't go for a flesh wound when you can go for the kill. When I heard one of my ex's was dating again, I was fuming mad. I thought about stepping in and ending that silliness, but I took a step back and am going to wait until the wedding announcement, when it may come. As part of this idea, learn to enact small revenges at the most inopportune time, particularly when people are under high stress or happy. Birthdays, graduation ceremonies, holidays, the beginning or end of a college semester, etc. These are good times to show off small acts of anonymous revenge to add a little extra stress to your ex's life. Revenge can be like a lever: it only takes a little effort to produce immense results. Next time your ex's birthday comes around, play havoc with half a dozen little shows of anonymous affection and then back off until Thanksgiving.

Here is an awesome website that has everything you need to get even: The Avenger.

Wrap it up for me, immortal bard:

Should he make me
Live, like Diana's priest, betwixt cold sheets,
Whiles he is vaulting variable ramps,
In your despite, upon your purse? Revenge it.

Being in Love versus Falling in Love, or Maybe the Art of Banishing

When a new relationship starts, losing yourself is real easy.

Since I am an island, I don't know how other people respond to being in love. Although I admit there's that thrill like being on a roller coaster, I've always felt unbearably anxious, like I was making a life-long investment in something so important that if I were to lose that person, my world would end in one crushing blow.

Earlier in my relationships I was an anxious mess and I am still fighting my breakdown instincts. All sorts of neurotic thoughts would run 'round my head: will he call back? am I making a fool out of myself? what do I do if he...?

I dated a Cancer who was ridiculously slow and passive-aggressive, and even though (or because) I am part Cancer, the Leo in me gets perturbed at how cautious we Cancers are, like a new driver who can't move forward in a busy intersection because she's too busy looking both ways and checking every entry point, and meanwhile the coast is clear and the traffic is backing up. Anyhow, I was worrying about losing my Cancer boy so much that during one office meeting lunch break, they threw me out of the meeting room because I was pacing like a lion in a cage and making the other people stir-crazy. I went into the bathroom, curled up in a dirty corner, and cried. Oh woe was I!

Perhaps women are more susceptible to this type of co-dependent anxiety. Even though we'd like to believe we're in the post-feminist revolution where women are working moms, too many a woman is still raised with the attitude that her identity is dependent upon her ability to maintain an intimate relationship.

When I hear a woman just rattle off about her boyfriend or even mention one in any indiscriminate side-manner, I just flare my right nostril in disgust. Perhaps this is a dark reaction formation of some inner self-hatred and dependency. But I flare both nostrils at working women who throw themselves into an impossibly ironclad corporate working schedule and brush it off by saying, "I don't have the time for a man in my life." A healthy psyche should be able to balance both a family and a job.

Perhaps people don't really know what they want from a relationship? Is love supposed to be forever? That's what I've heard growing up, but I've found it's not healthy to plan your marriage on the first date. Do we just discard a relationship the minute we feel wrong? What is life like under this new 21st-century philosophy: "get a new one"? Are new relationships just about going out and having a good time? Well, isn't that a friendship then? Relationships need to have that thing call sex or passion to them and there lies the emotional danger: the emotional needs of a relationship. What do we need? What do we want?

I still get the anxiety but I tend to Banish these thoughts. The term Banishing originally applies to a ritual that Dr. Strange-type magicians do in order to prevent themselves from getting lost in all the entheogenic craziness with which they're involved. Banishing usually involves something simple and everyday to ground the magician into the real world. When God appears to John Denver's character in Oh, God!, God tells Denver's character to continue shaving: it would make him feel more normal. Shaving, making breakfast, making the bed, taking a walk, breathing deeply, yoga, all of these are Banishing rituals to help the anxious person find their center of control again.

I've been doing a lot of Banishing lately. I had a brief fling with another Aries -- and that's all Aries is good for -- and I had to Banish every morning to deal with his obnoxiously independent and aggressively dysfunctional personality. I'd take my morning walk, make breakfast, do my work, clean up, and by then he would either get in touch with me and continue our relationship for another day or I would simply not care as to whether I heard from him at all.

I wasn't crying on the floor anymore. Another few Aries or perhaps another Cancer and I think I'll finally get ahold of myself.

What are some Banishing modes of thought that have worked well to bring me away from my bathroom melodramas to a more functional state of mind?

1. Presume that all relationships are short term. Don't plan your wedding on the first date. Don't get yourself involved in long term plans. Most relationships will fail. It's not a sign of incompetence on your part but simply the name of the game. Relationships are experimentation and some couples just aren't right. Presume that it won't last. Now you can relax. You don't have the pressure of making it work or last. You don't have to keep it up forever.

2. Presume at the end of each day that you have completely screwed up the relationship and that the relationship is over. Oh well, better luck next time. Don't set yourself up for the possible letdown of "will he call back?" Presume that he won't, like a job interview: you go on one interview and when that is done, you go to another. You don't wait around for them to call back. If the person does get back to you then you have a pleasant surprise. You'll find that after awhile you'll actually find the person annoying because they keep coming back!

3. Never rearrange your schedule to accomodate a date. Chances are that date won't happen and you'll end up with an empty weekend. I can think of at least three cases. I was with my Cancer boy and I kept my Sundays open for him. Then he suddenly disappeared (which Cancers are known to do) and I was left holding my Sundays open for nothing for close to a month. The only reason I stopped waiting was because my family was planning my (then alive) mother's birthday and they said, "hey, Kristen has her Sundays open so we'll schedule the party on a Sunday so she can come." A couple years later, when faced with a choice to date my second Aries boy or to do an open house, I did the open house and right on cue, if I hadn't I would've had another empty Sunday. As a side note, I took a Sunday off afterwards for my Aries boy and we broke up the Wednesday before.

4. Don't take an available date just because you desperately need to spend time with someone. I've had a couple dates where I just needed to spend time with my guy but it just wasn't a good idea. One time my Cancer guy was having some serious problems and suggested we rearrange our date. I said, no, no, I can do it. Big mistake! You ever see a Cancer and a Leo (with Cancer tendencies) fight?! It would have been better to have postponed the date...

5. Keep dates simple. My Aries boy loved video games, particularly Crash Bandicoot so for his birthday I was making plans to rent out a hotel room, rent a large screen tv and play station from Wal-Mart (renting from Wal-Mart means buying the stuff and then returning it later) and then throwing a party. It would've cost me close to $2000 and a lot of work. That party never happened, thank God, and never will, thank God. If you go in with this type of mentality, you'll get burned out and stressed and possibly stood up.

6. Plan dates for yourself and then include your companion. I may be old-fashioned but I used to believe that dating meant actually going out and doing stuff, but my past couple experiences have involved a couple weeks scheduling the date and then having a lame date then never seeing the person again. The dates are lame because too many people plan dates simply for the purpose of going out and seeing someone rather than for entertaining themselves. It's like being hungry for tacos and eating burritos. No matter how many burritos you eat, you get fat but never filled because you wanted a taco! If I'm dating someone, I want to go out and do stuff -- stuff that I normally don't spend the time to do outside of a relationship because when I'm single I tend to sacrifice my social life for making money. A new relationships makes me refocus on having fun but I never actually do what I wanted to do. I wanted to check out this type of Portuguese restaurant called a churrascaria which is like a meat market with reportedly symbiotically excellent service. When am I going to get to go to one, Aries boy! Instead, I take that list and do it with or without him. If he happens to be available then he can come along. It's a good time to re-evaluate my life's experiences.

If you're thinking that I'm playing games, yeah, I probably am. Playing games is a part of life. Successful people learn how to play the game instead of complaining about the game. People who say they don't want to play games anymore are usually the first to get hit by this stupid statement. My sister almost lost my brother-in-law because she told him that she didn't want to play anymore games, so he proposed very early in their relationship and she ran away from him!

If you want to troll me and call me insecure, you'd probably be right. But I've found that "insecure" is a word that abusive people use to blame the victim. What, I'm suspicious of you because I keep seeing you with this blushing grin on your face txting people? I must be insecure thinking you're cheating on me. What, I don't like the idea of an open relationship where you can go around and screw other women? I must be insecure. What, I don't want to dress up like a French maid and have a lesbian tickle my fancy while you video tape it? I must be insecure.

I like bad guys, I admit, and whenever I think I've met someone different, it ends up being another big ol' mess. I need to keep my distance from these guys until I see their intent. My first Cancer boy was a bad deal. My second Cancer boy was a bad deal. My third Cancer boy was the moodiest bastard I'd ever dated and pulled away whenever I started respecting him, but I have to give him credit for being a good man. The first two I needed to Banish to protect myself, the third, to save my relationship.

And yes, there's always the chance of me driving them away. But I've found it's the opposite: these Banishing thoughts will give you your own life and people actually admire an independent person.

I actually don't mind falling in love. It's hitting the bottom that really hurts.

Long Term Plans in Dating

Never, ever make the suggestion that you are in a relationship for the long run. Guys can be like Gremlins -- no matter how much they beg and scream, never, ever feed them after midnight -- guys (yes, and us ladies, too) will try all sorts of ways to trick you into revealing long term plans. The dirtiest trick is when they trick you into a comfort zone where you think that they too are making long term plans but they're not: they're just pretending in order to trick you into revealing yourself.

I got caught at least twice that I remember. The first time he said, "we'll have time to talk about that [the personal topic of our conversation] later" and boom, the minute I thought he was a stayer he was gone like silver spoons. Another time one guy started prompting me into getting more involved in planning our dates so I rattled off a list of about a dozen things I wanted to do. The next day his schedule suddenly became really tight: "We can't go out on Fridays and Saturdays anymore." Translation: he was sleeping with someone else. I made the situation even more claustrophobic with him by responding to his "we can't go out on Fridays and Saturdays anymore" by saying "yeah, I'll think about that."

Why are long term plans bad in a relationship? Because people need desperately to feel free in their relationships. Once they get that feeling that the casual enjoyment that they're having for free with no obligations is going to start costing them, then they feel trapped. It's fight or flight and they run.

What are the solutions:

1. Never, ever reveal long term plans, no matter how safe it seems.

2. Take each date one at a time and never suggest the possibility of another date until after an obligatory waiting period.

3. Don't rush things. Instead of forcing him or her into a relationship, become a need in their life so that they give you what you want rather than you having to ask for it. That's a topic for another blog.