Long Term Plans in Dating

Never, ever make the suggestion that you are in a relationship for the long run. Guys can be like Gremlins -- no matter how much they beg and scream, never, ever feed them after midnight -- guys (yes, and us ladies, too) will try all sorts of ways to trick you into revealing long term plans. The dirtiest trick is when they trick you into a comfort zone where you think that they too are making long term plans but they're not: they're just pretending in order to trick you into revealing yourself.

I got caught at least twice that I remember. The first time he said, "we'll have time to talk about that [the personal topic of our conversation] later" and boom, the minute I thought he was a stayer he was gone like silver spoons. Another time one guy started prompting me into getting more involved in planning our dates so I rattled off a list of about a dozen things I wanted to do. The next day his schedule suddenly became really tight: "We can't go out on Fridays and Saturdays anymore." Translation: he was sleeping with someone else. I made the situation even more claustrophobic with him by responding to his "we can't go out on Fridays and Saturdays anymore" by saying "yeah, I'll think about that."

Why are long term plans bad in a relationship? Because people need desperately to feel free in their relationships. Once they get that feeling that the casual enjoyment that they're having for free with no obligations is going to start costing them, then they feel trapped. It's fight or flight and they run.

What are the solutions:

1. Never, ever reveal long term plans, no matter how safe it seems.

2. Take each date one at a time and never suggest the possibility of another date until after an obligatory waiting period.

3. Don't rush things. Instead of forcing him or her into a relationship, become a need in their life so that they give you what you want rather than you having to ask for it. That's a topic for another blog.