Have you ever had your significant other just suddenly withdraw from you and stop talking to you for an extended period, or perhaps even worse, suddenly verbally jump on you with a deluge of unsolvable problems?
Welcome to the world of communication breakdowns!
Some people when faced with difficult problems or stress withdraw from personal relationships in order to solve their problems on their own. These types of people are called Cave-dwellers but I am trying to come up with a new name for them that alludes more to the tendency of crabs to withdraw into their shell. Shell-dwellers, perhaps.
The opposite of Shell-dwellers are the Talkers. Not really a clever or original term but that's what I'll call them. They like to talk about their problems and oh, boy, will they give you an earful.
As part Cancer and part Leo, I am both Shell-dweller and Talker.
Cancers are notorious for withdrawing from relationships during times of stress. They would rather kill themselves than talk about personal matters because opening themselves up to someone is a good way of getting irreparably hurt. The Cancer side of me tends to sulk and mope around a lot. After me mum died, I was up and about at three am walking around or taking walks in the wood, then retreating to my room, never saying a word to anyone. I was thinking about my problems.
The Leo in me loves to talk but beware: if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you. This is why I retreat into my shell a lot because when I talk, I infodump in one long over-heated tirade that often scares people into blank motionless reactions. "Sorry I asked."
Talkers are dangerous to a relationships, Shell-Dwellers can be fatal.
My dad is a talker but with a little bit of a Shell-dweller in him. He holds it inside and then when I'm open and vulnerable, he wallops me with an infodump. He did this to me a lot when I was a child. When I first got suspended from school for trying to beat up the vice principal, he took me for a ride and locked the doors while we were driving so he could just explode on me.
Typically talkers are not so hostile or decompressive but when they infodump, they can be overwhelming.
Talkers talk as a way of relieving stress. They have to get it out of them or else it eats them alive. Unfortunately, their infodumps tend to come out in a stream of consciousness. They start with one idea and while they're at it, move into random problems with little sense of steering. Just when you think you have a hold on what's going on you find yourself somewhere else.
When people talk about problems, the natural reactions to these infodumps is 1) to take offense for being blamed; 2) to solve the problem; and/or 3) get frustrated.
Infodumping is not an attack even though it may seem like one. One boyfriend of mine got really ticked off at me when I told him that I was getting a lot of deja vu when he was around and that usually I got deja vu when I was under stress. "Are you under stress when I'm around?" he barked. He saw my rambling as an attack and sometimes Talking can come out wrong or bluntly because the Talker isn't preparing his or her words. You're not being attacked.
You might think that when someone Talks about his or her problems that they want them solved, right? No, they're just Talking. But immediately people will react to a Talker's problem by posing solutions or looking for solutions. By posing a solution you're interrupting the Talker's stream of conscious tirade and not allowing them to vent properly. Many defense mechanism actively refuse solutions because the logical thinking prevents emotional expression. You offer a solution and then get shut down, feeling worthless and helpless. In many cases, the problems are unsolvable! What are you supposed to do?!
Lastly, because infodumps can be so stream of consciousness and impossible to understand, you may sit there for long minutes waiting for the person to get to the point. I once had a friend who told me a joke that lasted for about 10 minutes, seriously, and then had no punchline. That was the joke: to have people sit and wait for 10 minutes for no punchline. A long scattered infodump can try a person's patience and eventually force them into stopping the one-sided conversation. Boom! Get this Talker out of here! But this rambling and climax-less build up is a necessary drama and confusion to release built up tension. By asking a Talker to get to the point, you are teasing them with foreplay and no sex.
If a person tries to Talk and they instead get attacks, solutions, or frustration, they then lose their ability to Talk and emotionally express themselves. They can no longer communicate and the relationship will slowly fall apart. This was a problem that I had with me mum. I'd try to Talk with her about problems and she'd take it as an attack. She'd strike back at me and then we'd get into a big fight. One time I put a hole in the wall with my foot when I tried to Talk to her about problems with my sister. She'd even ask for us to Talk and then still attack me; I fell for that trick a few times and then eventually stopped Talking to her. Then she died.
What do you do with a Talker?
1. Listen. Don't add your two cents in. maybe an occassional "mm-hmn." Every once in awhile, summarize what the person said to show that you understood what they said. You'll find that they'll keep going and going and that you don't have anything particularly important to contribute anyhow.
2. Don't give advice or solutions. Just listen. Asking questions during appropriate pauses might help your partner express more or direct him or her to a particularly necessary revelation.
3. Remember that you're not being attacked. Don't defend yourself. I had a boyfriend go into a real paranoid rant about how I was some doppelganger of another girl he had dated, I was so like this person, same age, same astrological sign, same ethnicity, etc. I just smilled and asked, "how am I different?"
4. Be patient. Let them ramble. Don't get frustrated. What works for me is to remember that I am being Talked to and to take satisfaction in my silence as a sign that I am handling the situation properly. Get satisfaction through patience.
Shell-dwelling can be more deadly to a relationship.
Since I've dated a few Cancers, I've had the experience of terrible Shell-dwelling. My first Cancer would take monthes of private time where he'd drop out of sight and refuse to talk to me. I'd go stir crazy wondering what I had done wrong that was causing him to punish me like that?! My second Cancer pushed my button on Shell-dwelling: I had finally escaped my brooding first Cancer when my second Cancer boy started pulling away from me. Boy, did I lose my temper. If I had just a little more caffeine I would have thrown him over the guard rails at the mall we were at! It was at that time I started noticing the pattern and looked into the matter. When my third Cancer started pulling out, I let him, kept quiet, and bonded with him when he was out of his shell rather than kicking him in the balls to punish him for withdrawing.
Shell-dwelling is a defense mechanism that people use to focus on finding solutions to a particularly powerful problem. Shell-dwellers do not open up to others. They see it as a sign of weakness or as a threat to their emotional vulnerability. Instead they withdraw into their own personal worlds where they start running the numbers through their heads. When they have found the solution, they come out of their shell and continue with the relationship.
Some Shell-dwellers can get stuck in their shell because they can't figure things out. They then have to distract themselves with solving smaller problems, usually other people's problems or some type of vicarious conflict like a movie or sporting event or something in the news. These minor problems provide solutions that lubricate the shell so that the bigger problems become more solvable.
The problem is that Shell-dwellers inadvertantly threaten the security of their relationship. By withdrawing, they sever the emotional bonds of their relationship and end up holding back intimate needs. There would be times in which I wouldn't see my one Cancer boy for a month or longer because he was so busy dwelling on his problems. That's a month and more of my life that's being wasted! I didn't get into a relationship to sit around and not do anything!
Even worse, Shell-dwellers end up pushing away their loved ones. Breaking off communication or hiding personal problems or refusing to talk about private matters can be seen as a violation of trust -- a way of saying "I dont trust you" to their partner. Again, it is also a threat that emotional support is going to be withdrawn and that the relationship may possibly be ending.
Unfortunately, Shell-dwellers need this withdrawl and to force them out of their shell prevents them from resolving their problems. After me mum died, I spent a lot of time traveling, essentially homeless for a couple months while I was figuring things out. My father eventually tracked me down and forced me back home, preventing me from resolving my post-mortem depression.
What do you do with a Shell-dweller?
1. Let them go. If you love something let it go. Sounds like a really fagly cliche but with my first and third Cancer, I gave them the room to withdraw and they eventually did return. With my second Cancer, I punished him badly for withdrawing and that ended the relationship.
2. As above, don't punish. Since Shell-dwelling can be emotionally difficult to handle, it's natural to be bitter or to take it personally and punish the person. Don't. By punishing them, you prevent them from withdrawing and handling their problems.
3. But don't reward them either. Shell-dwelling can get abusive and manipulative if done too much, like children who hold their breath until they get what they want. I made the mistake one time of pretty much throwing a "Thank Heaven he's out of his shell" party for my first cancer boy and that was a mistake. I ended up rewarding him for withdrawing from our relationship and this increased his tendency to withdraw rather than communicate with me. Eventually one of his withdrawals ended our relationship because he was contaminating the relationship with too much instability.
4. Freeze-out, if necessary. If your partner is Shell-dwelling, it isn't the time to re-invigorate the relationship. If you try to cling and up the relationship with more affection, you will interfere with the Shell-dwelling and actually put more pressure on him. However, if you maintain your relationship at the same level, you are actually rewarding him by providing a relationship for free. The term "freeze-out" means you let him withdraw and in the meanwhile, subtly withdraw yourself. Reduce the intensity of your relationship, almost like starting over. Don't punish, just make the Shell-dweller miss you. I'll talk about "freeze outs" in another blog posting.
Communication is one of the most important glues of a relationship. If everyone communicated the same way relationships would last forever like a perpetual motion machine. But alas, the Tower of Babel fell a long, long time ago.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment