Cancers in a nutshell are extremely moody. On the positive side, they are nurturing, caring, protective, motherly individuals. On the negative side, Cancers are ridiculously self-destructive, cowardly, passive-aggressive, and manipulative.
Cancers are the MILF sign. Have you ever had a crush on your middle school English teacher or your best friend's mother, or even your boyfriend or girlfriend's mother? Cancers capture all of that Oedipal attraction with the distinct possibility of actually getting laid. Throw in their vulnerable self-destructive tendencies, Cancers draw in rescuers and abusers only to tie them up in knots and throw them away.
If you're interested in another mother, have infinite patience, and know a good therapist, then here are 10 Things To Know about dating a Cancer:
1. Pursuit
You have to pursue your Cancer love if you want a relationship. Cancers are masters at passive-aggression and even though they are cardinal signs, they actively avoid being the chaser. They love being chased! A Cancer will actually actively passive-aggressively manipulate you into chasing them. Usually Cancers will be the ones who wave their hands and get loudly drunk so that everyone notices them and then they run away so you have to chase them. Cancers love to tease so take these chases with a grain of salt. Conversely, because they are the moody sign, Cancer also like to sulk and pretend they're invisible: that person sitting alone out of the way isolated is probably a Cancer pissed off that no-one is noticing them.
2. Patience
With Cancers, you need more patience than God. Cancers are so cautious that instead of diving into the water, they first dip their toe in and if the water is cold, then they NEVER EVER go swimming again, never. Pursuing a Cancer is like feeding the squirrels. You have to sit down in their general area, have bait to lure them in, slowly move closer inch by inch, and then repeat this over the course of the next several years. Congrats! You now have the useless talent of feeding a squirrel out of your hand. Expect a long courtship, usually months, if you're lucky, between dates.
The reason behind this caution and slowness is that Cancers are idealistic romantics, so idealistic that there is no hope of their fantasies ever coming true. Most Cancers have been involved in some traumatic relationship that has permanently embittered them into cynicism. They expect their lovelife to be pain and they do everything to avoid that pain. The minute they see a crack of danger, they run away.
3. Extreme Resistance
Cancers have a distinct mating ritual: they do everything in their power to destroy their relationships. This self-destructive behavior serves many purposes. One, it is a test to see if the relationship is true. Cancers need unconditional love, to the point where if they put a knife in your back and cut out your kidneys, they expect you to still love them. If you stay after they eviscerate you, then they know it is true love. Two, Cancers are manipulative control freaks and the more you stick around after putting up with all their crap, the more they have you wrapped around their finger.
Dealing with Cancer sabotaging is difficult. Some advice. First, Cancers will sabotage most strongly when the going is good, so the minute you feel relaxed, expect a full frontal attack. Second, learn to notice what mood they are in. A sad Cancer needs someone to rescue them so whenever Cancer is sad, go in and play the sympathetic romantic ear. Act like someone died, along with flowers and sympathy cards. If Cancer is mad, leave them alone. Third, learn to ignore Cancer at appropriate times. The more attention you give a Cancer, the less they will want you. You have to take notice when they start withdrawing and then pull your own withdraw. Cancer want what they can't have and lose interest in what they have. But as a nostalgic sign, Cancers hate losing or letting go of things. For example, a Cancer I dated was notorious for canceling dates: whenever he re-scheduled, I would tell him I couldn't make it and ask him to re-schedule for some other time. Keep the game going. That's why courtships with Cancer are so long: you spend all your time procrastinating between dates!
4. Openness but...
Cancers are self-protective. Never ask them personal questions. They will turn the attempt around and milk you for every private moment you ever had. Don't expect Cancers to be open or to do something called communicate. Not going to happen. The best maneuver you can do is to lead by example. Let them play their game and open yourself up. By being open with them, you might inspire them into being open themselves. Just remember number 3 above: the minute a Cancer opens up, they will run away. Send flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, waterlily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) immediately and then ignore them when they call.
5. Nurturing
Cancer whine like little children and they never run out of things to complain about. They will slowly sap your will to live with their constant negativity. You MUST nurture the heck out of them, listening to every neurotic complaint without saying a word, telling them that all of their (stupid) plans will work out and everything will be SAFE (that's the key word) and secure.
6. Mother
Stalk your Cancer's mother. Google her. Learn everything you can about her. Mold yourself into the perfect son or daughter. Say, why yes, I used to work in (mother's profession). Why yes, I have been to (mother's ethnic homeland). Why yes, I have found a cure for (mother's neurotic illness). Send her mother flowers, thanking her for having such a wonderful son/daughter. Watch the movie Psycho a couple (dozen) times: a boy's best friend is his mother. Once you've slept with your Cancer's mother and have her permission and approval, you're in the bag.
7. Safety
A Cancer's prime concern in life is safety and security. Their two major motivating phrases are SAFE (if you want them to do something) or NOT SAFE (if you don't want them to do something). Before going on a date with a Cancer, scan the situation. If you are driving them anywhere, have clean underwear, a full tank of gas, AAA auto-recovery, ironclad insurance, drive slowly, never in bad weather, use perfect driver's safety, have a cell phone on you, get new tires, etc. Cancers need to feel safe for them to leave home and you have to become their security blanket. Learn karate so that you can defend them in case you get mugged. Have a solidly invested CD so Cancer knows you have a financial plan. Personally know a lock smith or a home security specialist. Most of all, be possessive when out with a Cancer. Cancers will cling to you like they were your Siamese twin: refuse to get into an elevator if someone else is in there, clutch them close to you and move them away from other people, switch sides if you see a puddle, literally hold them in a hug that reminds you of a restraining technique they'd use in a mental institution, don't sit on their lap because they'd be afraid you'd fall off.
By the way, these comments that I am making which sound over-exaggerated and sarcastic are dead serious. I am not kidding!!!! Notice the exclamation marks!
8. Self-deprecation
Cancers believe life is pain. If they experience a moment of happiness, they'll become scared and run away. You have to learn to subtly insult your Cancer in order to keep them around. Flattery doesn't work as much as self-deprecating humor. Some examples,
"You look better than you did yesterday"
"You didn't suck"
"I'll think about it" (the best answer to "do you love me?")
"I don't know why I put up with you"
Never tell a Cancer that you love them. Never compliment them. Most of all, Cancers are fragile and easily offended, so learn to be subtle and reinforce their own low self-esteem rather than be bluntly abrasive and insulting. Once you've offended a Cancer (usually through something trivial), you've made an enemy for life.
9. Happy Memories
Before dating or even expressing romantic interest in a Cancer, the best trick would be to disappear for a long time. Cancers are nostalgic people and what really gets them randy is for someone from their past to suddenly pop up and bring back all sorts of happy memories. Make new memories with your Cancer so that down the road you can say, "remember when we...?" Since Cancers have such an active romantic fantasy life, don't hold back on the romantic gestures and make every moment a Kodak moment. Make photo albums or take pictures or buy/create small tokens of love and sharing. Remember everything, even if it's her sister's favorite flavor of ice cream or the name of all her family members or the first time you met. Celebrate everything! Cancers will pretend that they don't want you to acknowledge your first anniversary (first, meaning first week) but if you don't, they'll hate you forever and run away. Expect to look through endless baby pictures: these are sacred as a Hindu cow so treat every scrap of paper, picture, or skin cell sample as a token of true love.
10. Children
Cancers are maternal signs. They love children. Use children to influence your Cancer. Carry pictures of children in your wallet. Bring your Cancer to playgrounds. Talk about your childhood. As part of this, Cancers are also family-oriented so you have to learn how to create a family dynamic. As with rule number 6 (Mother), stalk your Cancer's family, love them more than your own, use terms like "sister" rather than "sister-in-law" or "my girlfriend's sister".
Later on I will focus in more on the actual process of dating a Cancer. In the meanwhile, hopefully this blog will give you something to think about.
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