Freeze Outs

In a previous post, I mentioned the concept of freeze-outs and promised I would explain a little bit more about them. Here goes:

Commonly, people will suddenly pull out of a relationship or suddenly refuse to take the relationship to the next step even though all of the signs are there. They may also do a sudden sabotage job that screws up the relationship.

If this has happened to you and you got suckered into a fatal foul up, don’t worry, it’s happened to everyone, including me. It’s pretty much a standard behavior. I don’t feel it is acceptable but it happens in the same way that it isn’t acceptable to just ignore someone and hope they go away, but that is how a lot of break-ups occur.

This sudden pull out is called Last Minute Resistance (LMR).

What do you do?

You Freeze Out.

If you’re laying there in the dark, a few seconds away from scoring and you encounter LMR, then get up, turn on the lights, and just talk.

If you have this romantic picnic all set out, candles and wine, and you go to make your move – uh-oh, LMR, blow out the candles and cork the wine.

If you’re on a date and your date “doesn’t want to talk about,” sounds good: escort them to their car and tell them you’ll call them later.

A Freeze Out means you handle LMR with SINCERE defusing of the situation. Your partner is playing mind games with you to control you so instead of getting angry and lashing out (which I’ve done plenty of times in the past), freeze them out by withdrawing. Don’t flame on, freeze out.

Faking sincerity is the issue. You shouldn’t look like you are punishing them. You are actually agreeing with them: “you’re right, we should cuddle; let’s play cards instead.” This reverse psychology works to overcome the barrier of LMR. Your partner DOES want to cuddle but they want to control you and then cuddle. By removing the possibility of cuddle, they are forced into a flight or fight – either they cuddle or they lose you. But you must appear sincere or otherwise you’re giving control over them

Freeze Outs aren’t necessarily put out or get out. Freeze Outs can be used to confront any resisting behavior. I dated a guy that hated holding hands. I made the mistake of forcing him to do it, demanding that he do it. My mistake. If you try to hold hands and your partner refuses, then break away, do something else, make a phone call on your cell phone or whatever, so that the other person feels the cold. Or perhaps simply stop talking to them. Uncomfortable silence works wonders. Once the Freeze Out is in effect, try again. Often the discomfort forces the person into desperately clinging to any outreach of intimacy that appears to have been lost.

Remember, no anger, though!