In a previous post, I mentioned the concept of freeze-outs and promised I would explain a little bit more about them. Here goes:
Commonly, people will suddenly pull out of a relationship or suddenly refuse to take the relationship to the next step even though all of the signs are there. They may also do a sudden sabotage job that screws up the relationship.
If this has happened to you and you got suckered into a fatal foul up, don’t worry, it’s happened to everyone, including me. It’s pretty much a standard behavior. I don’t feel it is acceptable but it happens in the same way that it isn’t acceptable to just ignore someone and hope they go away, but that is how a lot of break-ups occur.
This sudden pull out is called Last Minute Resistance (LMR).
What do you do?
You Freeze Out.
If you’re laying there in the dark, a few seconds away from scoring and you encounter LMR, then get up, turn on the lights, and just talk.
If you have this romantic picnic all set out, candles and wine, and you go to make your move – uh-oh, LMR, blow out the candles and cork the wine.
If you’re on a date and your date “doesn’t want to talk about,” sounds good: escort them to their car and tell them you’ll call them later.
A Freeze Out means you handle LMR with SINCERE defusing of the situation. Your partner is playing mind games with you to control you so instead of getting angry and lashing out (which I’ve done plenty of times in the past), freeze them out by withdrawing. Don’t flame on, freeze out.
Faking sincerity is the issue. You shouldn’t look like you are punishing them. You are actually agreeing with them: “you’re right, we should cuddle; let’s play cards instead.” This reverse psychology works to overcome the barrier of LMR. Your partner DOES want to cuddle but they want to control you and then cuddle. By removing the possibility of cuddle, they are forced into a flight or fight – either they cuddle or they lose you. But you must appear sincere or otherwise you’re giving control over them
Freeze Outs aren’t necessarily put out or get out. Freeze Outs can be used to confront any resisting behavior. I dated a guy that hated holding hands. I made the mistake of forcing him to do it, demanding that he do it. My mistake. If you try to hold hands and your partner refuses, then break away, do something else, make a phone call on your cell phone or whatever, so that the other person feels the cold. Or perhaps simply stop talking to them. Uncomfortable silence works wonders. Once the Freeze Out is in effect, try again. Often the discomfort forces the person into desperately clinging to any outreach of intimacy that appears to have been lost.
Remember, no anger, though!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Dating a Cancer, part 2: the Specifics
Let me review what Cancer is all about and add some new information to expand your horizon about this seductive but dangerous sign.
Cancers are the most difficult of the signs to recognize and I often confuse them to my sad fate with fire signs. On the positive side, Cancers are passionate, intuitive, imaginative, careful, and protective. On the negative side, they are moody, touchy, clingy, and downright irrational.
Cancers rule the home. Cancer men create these incredibly perfect homes that just impress the heck out of anyone who enters. They are constantly remodeling and adding on to their homes (subconsciously a desire to extend their personal shell). My brother-in-law is a Cancer: he bought a cheap $175k home a few years ago and has since remodeled the kitchen, the entire floor space, the downstairs, installed an extensive electronic system, redone the downstairs bathroom, redone the landscape, and of course put up a fence. Cancer men need a dream home where they can just relax, while Cancer women like places where they can play den mother to a big family.
Cancers love unconditionally, although that doesn't mean they are true lovers. The problem with Cancer is that they tend to run from one love affair to another, but those who have committed themselves commit forever. Cancers are fiercely loyal to friends and family and will die for them. They are actually a little over-protective and it is common for Cancer mothers to smother their children and prevent them from taking risks.
Cancers have a horrible inferiority complex. They brag a lot and you can usually recognize their insecurities by what they boast about. For example, one of my Cancer boyfriends was constantly talking about how horny he was for the women, but he was such a freaking putz when it came to relationships that it was pathetic.
Cancers hate it when other people, particularly loved ones, are successful. The best revenge against a Cancer is to outdo them, which is difficult because they are an ambitious sign. Cancers hate failure and they would rather give up than risk failing.
Cancers brood a lot. Self-pity is an art. They are self-absorbed and tend to lose track of other people's lives. I know a Cancer woman who dated a friend of mine a couple years ago. My friend died last year and she doesn't even know because she's too busy being morbid and popping pills to cure her woes.
Cancers are manipulative. They make good con-men. On the other side, they tend to be prone to flattery (although remember directly complimenting a Cancer is a no-no).
Cancers often have extensive hobbies. My brother-in-law collects CDs, DVDs, and home stereo systems. These collections are usually quite impressive and a sense of pride for the Cancer.
Cancers are passive-aggressive to the extreme. They hate being told what to do and they take revenge to an extreme. A typical Cancer revenge technique is to attempt suicide to get back at loved ones.
Lastly, they are procrastinators. Me mum was constantly at my brother-in-law's throat because he was always waiting until the last minute to do things and then he would end up running late. One time, he went to pick up flowers for my sister and got there so late that the store was closed.
Still interested in dating a Cancer? Okay. Once you have the 10 basic rules down pat, there is some more specific information to focus on practically when dating a Cancer. 5 points for planning a date with your Cancer:
1. Dress
Dressing for a Cancer is difficult and contradictory. Dress like you were going to church or meeting your Cancer's parents but still keep your wardrobe casual with a little sex appeal. Cancers are family oriented and like people who remind them of ministers or their parents. Dress in nice and simple one color pieces, silver or white are the best colors. Don't wear anything that would require more than two minutes to get dressed in. Cancers like a natural look. Organic fibers like cotton work best. Form-fitted but not tight or slutty. Cancers are a sensual sign and they appreciate clothes that show off their physique but not whorishly. Cancer's erotic zone is in the chest area so a shirt slightly unbuttoned would enhance your sex appeal.
2. Eat
Cancers are boring when it comes to food. They are picky and prone to either eating disorders or gluttony. They don't like flashy places or menus. They like someplace cozy and like home. Avoid the typical franchise restaurants and look more for mom and pop diners or stores. Breakfast (particularly all day breakfast) is Cancer's favorite meal of the day. A breakfast buffet would be perfect. Cancers also love seafood (being a water sign) including sushi joints. Because Cancers have such a profound fantasy life, stereotypical romantic dinners like French restaurants would work wonders. Or the opposite, most especially, cooking at home. The surest way to impress a Cancer over the dinner table is to invite their whole family out to a family-style restaurant and of course foot the bill (expect at least 15 people which includes parents, brothers and sisters, in-laws, and random friends who pop up at every holiday celebration).
3. Place
Cancers need an environment where they can be anonymous and invisible. This can take one of two forms. Cancers blend in well with the crowd so the more people around like a party or the mall on the weekend, the better. Don't make a scene though: Cancers want to be invisible. Likewise, an intimate, private locations with no one around for miles will also give Cancer that sense of protection and invisibility.
Cancer is a water sign so places by the water like a lake or pool or the beach are good places to go. Go swimming or feed the ducks, perhaps go to an aquarium or sailing or to a spa. If you can afford it, take her on a cruise.
Picnics with that traditional courtship and picnic baskets and sitting on a large blanket where the two of you can cuddle and watch the children play in the park is romance for your Cancer.
Cancers are often alcoholics. It is part of their desire for self-destruction. You can spice up any date by just adding alcohol. Bars would be the obvious place but you could also try wine-tasting or simply bringing a bottle of wine to your picnic or seaside date.
Anywhere with children would be perfect. I almost asked one of my Cancer boys to take me to Chuck E. Cheese but backed out. Playgrounds, Build A Bear, those babysitter spots in the malls where parents let their children run wild, birthday parties, etc.
Traditional romantic dates will fulfill Cancer's ideal fantasies. Cancer is a nostalgia sign so celebrate every possible celebration (like your first month anniversary or the anniversary of the day you met) in creative ways. If she is turning 23, buy her 23 presents and hold a scavenger hunt or have some creative way to send her the presents (using small children is perfect). Cancers would also love pretend dates like pretending you're a married couple and going to open houses or shopping for furniture or expensive clothes. Remember your flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) but remember never to tell a Cancer that you love them. Cancer is ruled by the Moon so a walk under the Moon or moonlight and candles is another romantic idea.
Cancer is also an artistic sign, particularly with music, so spicing up the romance with music (and alcohol, of course) is a must. Concerts, the opera, community events like Christmas concerts, and such are good dates. Cancers usually like hardcore cathartic music, anything with emotional power, ranging from heavy metal to opera. They also appreciate classic rock music, anything with a sense of nostalgia and conformity (meaning lots of people like it and so should your Cancer).
Movie-wise, Cancers are a sucker for a good comedy but also like anything melodramatic that allows them to purge their infinitely repressed emotions.
Cancers typically have extensive hobbies or collections. Find good stores to take them to that indulge these obsessions and let them run wild.
Find places that Cancer has already built an attachment to. Cancers don't like anything new so rely on the old fall backs every so often.
Plan dates involving their family. Cancers will more than likely have family routines like going out every Friday to the movies as a family. Likewise, get your Cancer involved with your family traditions.
Lastly, as the nostalgia sign, Cancers love looking for useless crap or adding to collections and hobbies. Yard sales and garage sales or thrift shops or antique stores are perfect places for a weekend getaway.
4. Talk
Cancers are one-sided conversationalist. They don't like to talk about personal things but they love listening to people talk.
To get your Cancer talking, ask them questions about:
5. Gifts
Cancers need ridiculously personal and intimate gifts that personify how you feel about them. The Heart of the Ocean from Titanic might be enough to satisfy your Cancer. If it is anything less than true love, Cancer will smile, hold a grudge, and then wallop you a couple years later.
Gifts should be homemade, crafted by hand, antique, personal artifacts, or expensive. Cancer wants your soul so you must bare it all unreserved.
Gifts for Cancer must have a personal touch, even if it is something as simple as sending out a card, calling (not) to say I love you, a small box of candy, or just that extra touch. I definitely recommend that extra touch so bring at least two presents: the actual present plus an added touch.
Whatever gifts you get for Cancer should be tailormade and non-interchangable with anyone else. Imagine that your gift was DNA-encoded just for your Cancer and wouldn't work for anyone else!
Present your gifts in stages. First, emphasize the importance of your Cancer. Build up the intimate ambiance. It is best that your Cancer knows what he or she is getting so don't worry about suspence. Present the main gift. Then present the secondary gift.
Emphasize intimacy, nostalgia, childhood, the home, and personal interests of your Cancer.
Create a photo album of all the special moments you shared with your Cancer.
Give your Cancer baby pictures of you.
Cancer loves taking baths so gifts for the bathtub will work wonders.
Alcohol, of course.
Mixed CDs as small personal gifts, perhaps accompanying romantic dates.
Cancers have hobbies and collections so add to their hobbies and collections.
Cancers is home-oriented so gifts for the home are a must. Books of interior design are at the top of the list or perhaps cookbooks.
Don't forget to bring gifts for Cancer's mother and family.
As I end this part (and I doubt I will have a part 3), perhaps you feel a little more comfortable dating a Cancer now that you have a sense of what makes them tick.
Good luck with your life and love.
Cancers are the most difficult of the signs to recognize and I often confuse them to my sad fate with fire signs. On the positive side, Cancers are passionate, intuitive, imaginative, careful, and protective. On the negative side, they are moody, touchy, clingy, and downright irrational.
Cancers rule the home. Cancer men create these incredibly perfect homes that just impress the heck out of anyone who enters. They are constantly remodeling and adding on to their homes (subconsciously a desire to extend their personal shell). My brother-in-law is a Cancer: he bought a cheap $175k home a few years ago and has since remodeled the kitchen, the entire floor space, the downstairs, installed an extensive electronic system, redone the downstairs bathroom, redone the landscape, and of course put up a fence. Cancer men need a dream home where they can just relax, while Cancer women like places where they can play den mother to a big family.
Cancers love unconditionally, although that doesn't mean they are true lovers. The problem with Cancer is that they tend to run from one love affair to another, but those who have committed themselves commit forever. Cancers are fiercely loyal to friends and family and will die for them. They are actually a little over-protective and it is common for Cancer mothers to smother their children and prevent them from taking risks.
Cancers have a horrible inferiority complex. They brag a lot and you can usually recognize their insecurities by what they boast about. For example, one of my Cancer boyfriends was constantly talking about how horny he was for the women, but he was such a freaking putz when it came to relationships that it was pathetic.
Cancers hate it when other people, particularly loved ones, are successful. The best revenge against a Cancer is to outdo them, which is difficult because they are an ambitious sign. Cancers hate failure and they would rather give up than risk failing.
Cancers brood a lot. Self-pity is an art. They are self-absorbed and tend to lose track of other people's lives. I know a Cancer woman who dated a friend of mine a couple years ago. My friend died last year and she doesn't even know because she's too busy being morbid and popping pills to cure her woes.
Cancers are manipulative. They make good con-men. On the other side, they tend to be prone to flattery (although remember directly complimenting a Cancer is a no-no).
Cancers often have extensive hobbies. My brother-in-law collects CDs, DVDs, and home stereo systems. These collections are usually quite impressive and a sense of pride for the Cancer.
Cancers are passive-aggressive to the extreme. They hate being told what to do and they take revenge to an extreme. A typical Cancer revenge technique is to attempt suicide to get back at loved ones.
Lastly, they are procrastinators. Me mum was constantly at my brother-in-law's throat because he was always waiting until the last minute to do things and then he would end up running late. One time, he went to pick up flowers for my sister and got there so late that the store was closed.
Still interested in dating a Cancer? Okay. Once you have the 10 basic rules down pat, there is some more specific information to focus on practically when dating a Cancer. 5 points for planning a date with your Cancer:
1. Dress
Dressing for a Cancer is difficult and contradictory. Dress like you were going to church or meeting your Cancer's parents but still keep your wardrobe casual with a little sex appeal. Cancers are family oriented and like people who remind them of ministers or their parents. Dress in nice and simple one color pieces, silver or white are the best colors. Don't wear anything that would require more than two minutes to get dressed in. Cancers like a natural look. Organic fibers like cotton work best. Form-fitted but not tight or slutty. Cancers are a sensual sign and they appreciate clothes that show off their physique but not whorishly. Cancer's erotic zone is in the chest area so a shirt slightly unbuttoned would enhance your sex appeal.
2. Eat
Cancers are boring when it comes to food. They are picky and prone to either eating disorders or gluttony. They don't like flashy places or menus. They like someplace cozy and like home. Avoid the typical franchise restaurants and look more for mom and pop diners or stores. Breakfast (particularly all day breakfast) is Cancer's favorite meal of the day. A breakfast buffet would be perfect. Cancers also love seafood (being a water sign) including sushi joints. Because Cancers have such a profound fantasy life, stereotypical romantic dinners like French restaurants would work wonders. Or the opposite, most especially, cooking at home. The surest way to impress a Cancer over the dinner table is to invite their whole family out to a family-style restaurant and of course foot the bill (expect at least 15 people which includes parents, brothers and sisters, in-laws, and random friends who pop up at every holiday celebration).
3. Place
Cancers need an environment where they can be anonymous and invisible. This can take one of two forms. Cancers blend in well with the crowd so the more people around like a party or the mall on the weekend, the better. Don't make a scene though: Cancers want to be invisible. Likewise, an intimate, private locations with no one around for miles will also give Cancer that sense of protection and invisibility.
Cancer is a water sign so places by the water like a lake or pool or the beach are good places to go. Go swimming or feed the ducks, perhaps go to an aquarium or sailing or to a spa. If you can afford it, take her on a cruise.
Picnics with that traditional courtship and picnic baskets and sitting on a large blanket where the two of you can cuddle and watch the children play in the park is romance for your Cancer.
Cancers are often alcoholics. It is part of their desire for self-destruction. You can spice up any date by just adding alcohol. Bars would be the obvious place but you could also try wine-tasting or simply bringing a bottle of wine to your picnic or seaside date.
Anywhere with children would be perfect. I almost asked one of my Cancer boys to take me to Chuck E. Cheese but backed out. Playgrounds, Build A Bear, those babysitter spots in the malls where parents let their children run wild, birthday parties, etc.
Traditional romantic dates will fulfill Cancer's ideal fantasies. Cancer is a nostalgia sign so celebrate every possible celebration (like your first month anniversary or the anniversary of the day you met) in creative ways. If she is turning 23, buy her 23 presents and hold a scavenger hunt or have some creative way to send her the presents (using small children is perfect). Cancers would also love pretend dates like pretending you're a married couple and going to open houses or shopping for furniture or expensive clothes. Remember your flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) but remember never to tell a Cancer that you love them. Cancer is ruled by the Moon so a walk under the Moon or moonlight and candles is another romantic idea.
Cancer is also an artistic sign, particularly with music, so spicing up the romance with music (and alcohol, of course) is a must. Concerts, the opera, community events like Christmas concerts, and such are good dates. Cancers usually like hardcore cathartic music, anything with emotional power, ranging from heavy metal to opera. They also appreciate classic rock music, anything with a sense of nostalgia and conformity (meaning lots of people like it and so should your Cancer).
Movie-wise, Cancers are a sucker for a good comedy but also like anything melodramatic that allows them to purge their infinitely repressed emotions.
Cancers typically have extensive hobbies or collections. Find good stores to take them to that indulge these obsessions and let them run wild.
Find places that Cancer has already built an attachment to. Cancers don't like anything new so rely on the old fall backs every so often.
Plan dates involving their family. Cancers will more than likely have family routines like going out every Friday to the movies as a family. Likewise, get your Cancer involved with your family traditions.
Lastly, as the nostalgia sign, Cancers love looking for useless crap or adding to collections and hobbies. Yard sales and garage sales or thrift shops or antique stores are perfect places for a weekend getaway.
4. Talk
Cancers are one-sided conversationalist. They don't like to talk about personal things but they love listening to people talk.
To get your Cancer talking, ask them questions about:
- Their childhood
- Their family, particularly their mother
- Career aspirations
- Pet peeves
- Their dream home
- Where they live or have lived
5. Gifts
Cancers need ridiculously personal and intimate gifts that personify how you feel about them. The Heart of the Ocean from Titanic might be enough to satisfy your Cancer. If it is anything less than true love, Cancer will smile, hold a grudge, and then wallop you a couple years later.
Gifts should be homemade, crafted by hand, antique, personal artifacts, or expensive. Cancer wants your soul so you must bare it all unreserved.
Gifts for Cancer must have a personal touch, even if it is something as simple as sending out a card, calling (not) to say I love you, a small box of candy, or just that extra touch. I definitely recommend that extra touch so bring at least two presents: the actual present plus an added touch.
Whatever gifts you get for Cancer should be tailormade and non-interchangable with anyone else. Imagine that your gift was DNA-encoded just for your Cancer and wouldn't work for anyone else!
Present your gifts in stages. First, emphasize the importance of your Cancer. Build up the intimate ambiance. It is best that your Cancer knows what he or she is getting so don't worry about suspence. Present the main gift. Then present the secondary gift.
Emphasize intimacy, nostalgia, childhood, the home, and personal interests of your Cancer.
Create a photo album of all the special moments you shared with your Cancer.
Give your Cancer baby pictures of you.
Cancer loves taking baths so gifts for the bathtub will work wonders.
Alcohol, of course.
Mixed CDs as small personal gifts, perhaps accompanying romantic dates.
Cancers have hobbies and collections so add to their hobbies and collections.
Cancers is home-oriented so gifts for the home are a must. Books of interior design are at the top of the list or perhaps cookbooks.
Don't forget to bring gifts for Cancer's mother and family.
As I end this part (and I doubt I will have a part 3), perhaps you feel a little more comfortable dating a Cancer now that you have a sense of what makes them tick.
Good luck with your life and love.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Dating a Cancer, part 1: the Basics
Cancer is a cardinal water sign. Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn) are action signs: they take the lead and get things done. Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) are emotions signs that rely heavily on emotion, intuition, and irrational behavior. As a cardinal water sign, Cancer is the sign of instinctive action.
Cancers in a nutshell are extremely moody. On the positive side, they are nurturing, caring, protective, motherly individuals. On the negative side, Cancers are ridiculously self-destructive, cowardly, passive-aggressive, and manipulative.
Cancers are the MILF sign. Have you ever had a crush on your middle school English teacher or your best friend's mother, or even your boyfriend or girlfriend's mother? Cancers capture all of that Oedipal attraction with the distinct possibility of actually getting laid. Throw in their vulnerable self-destructive tendencies, Cancers draw in rescuers and abusers only to tie them up in knots and throw them away.
If you're interested in another mother, have infinite patience, and know a good therapist, then here are 10 Things To Know about dating a Cancer:
1. Pursuit
You have to pursue your Cancer love if you want a relationship. Cancers are masters at passive-aggression and even though they are cardinal signs, they actively avoid being the chaser. They love being chased! A Cancer will actually actively passive-aggressively manipulate you into chasing them. Usually Cancers will be the ones who wave their hands and get loudly drunk so that everyone notices them and then they run away so you have to chase them. Cancers love to tease so take these chases with a grain of salt. Conversely, because they are the moody sign, Cancer also like to sulk and pretend they're invisible: that person sitting alone out of the way isolated is probably a Cancer pissed off that no-one is noticing them.
2. Patience
With Cancers, you need more patience than God. Cancers are so cautious that instead of diving into the water, they first dip their toe in and if the water is cold, then they NEVER EVER go swimming again, never. Pursuing a Cancer is like feeding the squirrels. You have to sit down in their general area, have bait to lure them in, slowly move closer inch by inch, and then repeat this over the course of the next several years. Congrats! You now have the useless talent of feeding a squirrel out of your hand. Expect a long courtship, usually months, if you're lucky, between dates.
The reason behind this caution and slowness is that Cancers are idealistic romantics, so idealistic that there is no hope of their fantasies ever coming true. Most Cancers have been involved in some traumatic relationship that has permanently embittered them into cynicism. They expect their lovelife to be pain and they do everything to avoid that pain. The minute they see a crack of danger, they run away.
3. Extreme Resistance
Cancers have a distinct mating ritual: they do everything in their power to destroy their relationships. This self-destructive behavior serves many purposes. One, it is a test to see if the relationship is true. Cancers need unconditional love, to the point where if they put a knife in your back and cut out your kidneys, they expect you to still love them. If you stay after they eviscerate you, then they know it is true love. Two, Cancers are manipulative control freaks and the more you stick around after putting up with all their crap, the more they have you wrapped around their finger.
Dealing with Cancer sabotaging is difficult. Some advice. First, Cancers will sabotage most strongly when the going is good, so the minute you feel relaxed, expect a full frontal attack. Second, learn to notice what mood they are in. A sad Cancer needs someone to rescue them so whenever Cancer is sad, go in and play the sympathetic romantic ear. Act like someone died, along with flowers and sympathy cards. If Cancer is mad, leave them alone. Third, learn to ignore Cancer at appropriate times. The more attention you give a Cancer, the less they will want you. You have to take notice when they start withdrawing and then pull your own withdraw. Cancer want what they can't have and lose interest in what they have. But as a nostalgic sign, Cancers hate losing or letting go of things. For example, a Cancer I dated was notorious for canceling dates: whenever he re-scheduled, I would tell him I couldn't make it and ask him to re-schedule for some other time. Keep the game going. That's why courtships with Cancer are so long: you spend all your time procrastinating between dates!
4. Openness but...
Cancers are self-protective. Never ask them personal questions. They will turn the attempt around and milk you for every private moment you ever had. Don't expect Cancers to be open or to do something called communicate. Not going to happen. The best maneuver you can do is to lead by example. Let them play their game and open yourself up. By being open with them, you might inspire them into being open themselves. Just remember number 3 above: the minute a Cancer opens up, they will run away. Send flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, waterlily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) immediately and then ignore them when they call.
5. Nurturing
Cancer whine like little children and they never run out of things to complain about. They will slowly sap your will to live with their constant negativity. You MUST nurture the heck out of them, listening to every neurotic complaint without saying a word, telling them that all of their (stupid) plans will work out and everything will be SAFE (that's the key word) and secure.
6. Mother
Stalk your Cancer's mother. Google her. Learn everything you can about her. Mold yourself into the perfect son or daughter. Say, why yes, I used to work in (mother's profession). Why yes, I have been to (mother's ethnic homeland). Why yes, I have found a cure for (mother's neurotic illness). Send her mother flowers, thanking her for having such a wonderful son/daughter. Watch the movie Psycho a couple (dozen) times: a boy's best friend is his mother. Once you've slept with your Cancer's mother and have her permission and approval, you're in the bag.
7. Safety
A Cancer's prime concern in life is safety and security. Their two major motivating phrases are SAFE (if you want them to do something) or NOT SAFE (if you don't want them to do something). Before going on a date with a Cancer, scan the situation. If you are driving them anywhere, have clean underwear, a full tank of gas, AAA auto-recovery, ironclad insurance, drive slowly, never in bad weather, use perfect driver's safety, have a cell phone on you, get new tires, etc. Cancers need to feel safe for them to leave home and you have to become their security blanket. Learn karate so that you can defend them in case you get mugged. Have a solidly invested CD so Cancer knows you have a financial plan. Personally know a lock smith or a home security specialist. Most of all, be possessive when out with a Cancer. Cancers will cling to you like they were your Siamese twin: refuse to get into an elevator if someone else is in there, clutch them close to you and move them away from other people, switch sides if you see a puddle, literally hold them in a hug that reminds you of a restraining technique they'd use in a mental institution, don't sit on their lap because they'd be afraid you'd fall off.
By the way, these comments that I am making which sound over-exaggerated and sarcastic are dead serious. I am not kidding!!!! Notice the exclamation marks!
8. Self-deprecation
Cancers believe life is pain. If they experience a moment of happiness, they'll become scared and run away. You have to learn to subtly insult your Cancer in order to keep them around. Flattery doesn't work as much as self-deprecating humor. Some examples,
Never tell a Cancer that you love them. Never compliment them. Most of all, Cancers are fragile and easily offended, so learn to be subtle and reinforce their own low self-esteem rather than be bluntly abrasive and insulting. Once you've offended a Cancer (usually through something trivial), you've made an enemy for life.
9. Happy Memories
Before dating or even expressing romantic interest in a Cancer, the best trick would be to disappear for a long time. Cancers are nostalgic people and what really gets them randy is for someone from their past to suddenly pop up and bring back all sorts of happy memories. Make new memories with your Cancer so that down the road you can say, "remember when we...?" Since Cancers have such an active romantic fantasy life, don't hold back on the romantic gestures and make every moment a Kodak moment. Make photo albums or take pictures or buy/create small tokens of love and sharing. Remember everything, even if it's her sister's favorite flavor of ice cream or the name of all her family members or the first time you met. Celebrate everything! Cancers will pretend that they don't want you to acknowledge your first anniversary (first, meaning first week) but if you don't, they'll hate you forever and run away. Expect to look through endless baby pictures: these are sacred as a Hindu cow so treat every scrap of paper, picture, or skin cell sample as a token of true love.
10. Children
Cancers are maternal signs. They love children. Use children to influence your Cancer. Carry pictures of children in your wallet. Bring your Cancer to playgrounds. Talk about your childhood. As part of this, Cancers are also family-oriented so you have to learn how to create a family dynamic. As with rule number 6 (Mother), stalk your Cancer's family, love them more than your own, use terms like "sister" rather than "sister-in-law" or "my girlfriend's sister".
Later on I will focus in more on the actual process of dating a Cancer. In the meanwhile, hopefully this blog will give you something to think about.
Cancers in a nutshell are extremely moody. On the positive side, they are nurturing, caring, protective, motherly individuals. On the negative side, Cancers are ridiculously self-destructive, cowardly, passive-aggressive, and manipulative.
Cancers are the MILF sign. Have you ever had a crush on your middle school English teacher or your best friend's mother, or even your boyfriend or girlfriend's mother? Cancers capture all of that Oedipal attraction with the distinct possibility of actually getting laid. Throw in their vulnerable self-destructive tendencies, Cancers draw in rescuers and abusers only to tie them up in knots and throw them away.
If you're interested in another mother, have infinite patience, and know a good therapist, then here are 10 Things To Know about dating a Cancer:
1. Pursuit
You have to pursue your Cancer love if you want a relationship. Cancers are masters at passive-aggression and even though they are cardinal signs, they actively avoid being the chaser. They love being chased! A Cancer will actually actively passive-aggressively manipulate you into chasing them. Usually Cancers will be the ones who wave their hands and get loudly drunk so that everyone notices them and then they run away so you have to chase them. Cancers love to tease so take these chases with a grain of salt. Conversely, because they are the moody sign, Cancer also like to sulk and pretend they're invisible: that person sitting alone out of the way isolated is probably a Cancer pissed off that no-one is noticing them.
2. Patience
With Cancers, you need more patience than God. Cancers are so cautious that instead of diving into the water, they first dip their toe in and if the water is cold, then they NEVER EVER go swimming again, never. Pursuing a Cancer is like feeding the squirrels. You have to sit down in their general area, have bait to lure them in, slowly move closer inch by inch, and then repeat this over the course of the next several years. Congrats! You now have the useless talent of feeding a squirrel out of your hand. Expect a long courtship, usually months, if you're lucky, between dates.
The reason behind this caution and slowness is that Cancers are idealistic romantics, so idealistic that there is no hope of their fantasies ever coming true. Most Cancers have been involved in some traumatic relationship that has permanently embittered them into cynicism. They expect their lovelife to be pain and they do everything to avoid that pain. The minute they see a crack of danger, they run away.
3. Extreme Resistance
Cancers have a distinct mating ritual: they do everything in their power to destroy their relationships. This self-destructive behavior serves many purposes. One, it is a test to see if the relationship is true. Cancers need unconditional love, to the point where if they put a knife in your back and cut out your kidneys, they expect you to still love them. If you stay after they eviscerate you, then they know it is true love. Two, Cancers are manipulative control freaks and the more you stick around after putting up with all their crap, the more they have you wrapped around their finger.
Dealing with Cancer sabotaging is difficult. Some advice. First, Cancers will sabotage most strongly when the going is good, so the minute you feel relaxed, expect a full frontal attack. Second, learn to notice what mood they are in. A sad Cancer needs someone to rescue them so whenever Cancer is sad, go in and play the sympathetic romantic ear. Act like someone died, along with flowers and sympathy cards. If Cancer is mad, leave them alone. Third, learn to ignore Cancer at appropriate times. The more attention you give a Cancer, the less they will want you. You have to take notice when they start withdrawing and then pull your own withdraw. Cancer want what they can't have and lose interest in what they have. But as a nostalgic sign, Cancers hate losing or letting go of things. For example, a Cancer I dated was notorious for canceling dates: whenever he re-scheduled, I would tell him I couldn't make it and ask him to re-schedule for some other time. Keep the game going. That's why courtships with Cancer are so long: you spend all your time procrastinating between dates!
4. Openness but...
Cancers are self-protective. Never ask them personal questions. They will turn the attempt around and milk you for every private moment you ever had. Don't expect Cancers to be open or to do something called communicate. Not going to happen. The best maneuver you can do is to lead by example. Let them play their game and open yourself up. By being open with them, you might inspire them into being open themselves. Just remember number 3 above: the minute a Cancer opens up, they will run away. Send flowers (morning glory, geranium, lily, waterlily, lotus, magnolia, anything white) immediately and then ignore them when they call.
5. Nurturing
Cancer whine like little children and they never run out of things to complain about. They will slowly sap your will to live with their constant negativity. You MUST nurture the heck out of them, listening to every neurotic complaint without saying a word, telling them that all of their (stupid) plans will work out and everything will be SAFE (that's the key word) and secure.
6. Mother
Stalk your Cancer's mother. Google her. Learn everything you can about her. Mold yourself into the perfect son or daughter. Say, why yes, I used to work in (mother's profession). Why yes, I have been to (mother's ethnic homeland). Why yes, I have found a cure for (mother's neurotic illness). Send her mother flowers, thanking her for having such a wonderful son/daughter. Watch the movie Psycho a couple (dozen) times: a boy's best friend is his mother. Once you've slept with your Cancer's mother and have her permission and approval, you're in the bag.
7. Safety
A Cancer's prime concern in life is safety and security. Their two major motivating phrases are SAFE (if you want them to do something) or NOT SAFE (if you don't want them to do something). Before going on a date with a Cancer, scan the situation. If you are driving them anywhere, have clean underwear, a full tank of gas, AAA auto-recovery, ironclad insurance, drive slowly, never in bad weather, use perfect driver's safety, have a cell phone on you, get new tires, etc. Cancers need to feel safe for them to leave home and you have to become their security blanket. Learn karate so that you can defend them in case you get mugged. Have a solidly invested CD so Cancer knows you have a financial plan. Personally know a lock smith or a home security specialist. Most of all, be possessive when out with a Cancer. Cancers will cling to you like they were your Siamese twin: refuse to get into an elevator if someone else is in there, clutch them close to you and move them away from other people, switch sides if you see a puddle, literally hold them in a hug that reminds you of a restraining technique they'd use in a mental institution, don't sit on their lap because they'd be afraid you'd fall off.
By the way, these comments that I am making which sound over-exaggerated and sarcastic are dead serious. I am not kidding!!!! Notice the exclamation marks!
8. Self-deprecation
Cancers believe life is pain. If they experience a moment of happiness, they'll become scared and run away. You have to learn to subtly insult your Cancer in order to keep them around. Flattery doesn't work as much as self-deprecating humor. Some examples,
"You look better than you did yesterday"
"You didn't suck"
"I'll think about it" (the best answer to "do you love me?")
"I don't know why I put up with you"
Never tell a Cancer that you love them. Never compliment them. Most of all, Cancers are fragile and easily offended, so learn to be subtle and reinforce their own low self-esteem rather than be bluntly abrasive and insulting. Once you've offended a Cancer (usually through something trivial), you've made an enemy for life.
9. Happy Memories
Before dating or even expressing romantic interest in a Cancer, the best trick would be to disappear for a long time. Cancers are nostalgic people and what really gets them randy is for someone from their past to suddenly pop up and bring back all sorts of happy memories. Make new memories with your Cancer so that down the road you can say, "remember when we...?" Since Cancers have such an active romantic fantasy life, don't hold back on the romantic gestures and make every moment a Kodak moment. Make photo albums or take pictures or buy/create small tokens of love and sharing. Remember everything, even if it's her sister's favorite flavor of ice cream or the name of all her family members or the first time you met. Celebrate everything! Cancers will pretend that they don't want you to acknowledge your first anniversary (first, meaning first week) but if you don't, they'll hate you forever and run away. Expect to look through endless baby pictures: these are sacred as a Hindu cow so treat every scrap of paper, picture, or skin cell sample as a token of true love.
10. Children
Cancers are maternal signs. They love children. Use children to influence your Cancer. Carry pictures of children in your wallet. Bring your Cancer to playgrounds. Talk about your childhood. As part of this, Cancers are also family-oriented so you have to learn how to create a family dynamic. As with rule number 6 (Mother), stalk your Cancer's family, love them more than your own, use terms like "sister" rather than "sister-in-law" or "my girlfriend's sister".
Later on I will focus in more on the actual process of dating a Cancer. In the meanwhile, hopefully this blog will give you something to think about.
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