Venus on a Half-Shell: Differing Styles of Communication in Relationships

Have you ever had your significant other just suddenly withdraw from you and stop talking to you for an extended period, or perhaps even worse, suddenly verbally jump on you with a deluge of unsolvable problems?

Welcome to the world of communication breakdowns!

Some people when faced with difficult problems or stress withdraw from personal relationships in order to solve their problems on their own. These types of people are called Cave-dwellers but I am trying to come up with a new name for them that alludes more to the tendency of crabs to withdraw into their shell. Shell-dwellers, perhaps.

The opposite of Shell-dwellers are the Talkers. Not really a clever or original term but that's what I'll call them. They like to talk about their problems and oh, boy, will they give you an earful.

As part Cancer and part Leo, I am both Shell-dweller and Talker.

Cancers are notorious for withdrawing from relationships during times of stress. They would rather kill themselves than talk about personal matters because opening themselves up to someone is a good way of getting irreparably hurt. The Cancer side of me tends to sulk and mope around a lot. After me mum died, I was up and about at three am walking around or taking walks in the wood, then retreating to my room, never saying a word to anyone. I was thinking about my problems.

The Leo in me loves to talk but beware: if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you. This is why I retreat into my shell a lot because when I talk, I infodump in one long over-heated tirade that often scares people into blank motionless reactions. "Sorry I asked."

Talkers are dangerous to a relationships, Shell-Dwellers can be fatal.

My dad is a talker but with a little bit of a Shell-dweller in him. He holds it inside and then when I'm open and vulnerable, he wallops me with an infodump. He did this to me a lot when I was a child. When I first got suspended from school for trying to beat up the vice principal, he took me for a ride and locked the doors while we were driving so he could just explode on me.

Typically talkers are not so hostile or decompressive but when they infodump, they can be overwhelming.

Talkers talk as a way of relieving stress. They have to get it out of them or else it eats them alive. Unfortunately, their infodumps tend to come out in a stream of consciousness. They start with one idea and while they're at it, move into random problems with little sense of steering. Just when you think you have a hold on what's going on you find yourself somewhere else.

When people talk about problems, the natural reactions to these infodumps is 1) to take offense for being blamed; 2) to solve the problem; and/or 3) get frustrated.

Infodumping is not an attack even though it may seem like one. One boyfriend of mine got really ticked off at me when I told him that I was getting a lot of deja vu when he was around and that usually I got deja vu when I was under stress. "Are you under stress when I'm around?" he barked. He saw my rambling as an attack and sometimes Talking can come out wrong or bluntly because the Talker isn't preparing his or her words. You're not being attacked.

You might think that when someone Talks about his or her problems that they want them solved, right? No, they're just Talking. But immediately people will react to a Talker's problem by posing solutions or looking for solutions. By posing a solution you're interrupting the Talker's stream of conscious tirade and not allowing them to vent properly. Many defense mechanism actively refuse solutions because the logical thinking prevents emotional expression. You offer a solution and then get shut down, feeling worthless and helpless. In many cases, the problems are unsolvable! What are you supposed to do?!

Lastly, because infodumps can be so stream of consciousness and impossible to understand, you may sit there for long minutes waiting for the person to get to the point. I once had a friend who told me a joke that lasted for about 10 minutes, seriously, and then had no punchline. That was the joke: to have people sit and wait for 10 minutes for no punchline. A long scattered infodump can try a person's patience and eventually force them into stopping the one-sided conversation. Boom! Get this Talker out of here! But this rambling and climax-less build up is a necessary drama and confusion to release built up tension. By asking a Talker to get to the point, you are teasing them with foreplay and no sex.

If a person tries to Talk and they instead get attacks, solutions, or frustration, they then lose their ability to Talk and emotionally express themselves. They can no longer communicate and the relationship will slowly fall apart. This was a problem that I had with me mum. I'd try to Talk with her about problems and she'd take it as an attack. She'd strike back at me and then we'd get into a big fight. One time I put a hole in the wall with my foot when I tried to Talk to her about problems with my sister. She'd even ask for us to Talk and then still attack me; I fell for that trick a few times and then eventually stopped Talking to her. Then she died.

What do you do with a Talker?

1. Listen. Don't add your two cents in. maybe an occassional "mm-hmn." Every once in awhile, summarize what the person said to show that you understood what they said. You'll find that they'll keep going and going and that you don't have anything particularly important to contribute anyhow.

2. Don't give advice or solutions. Just listen. Asking questions during appropriate pauses might help your partner express more or direct him or her to a particularly necessary revelation.

3. Remember that you're not being attacked. Don't defend yourself. I had a boyfriend go into a real paranoid rant about how I was some doppelganger of another girl he had dated, I was so like this person, same age, same astrological sign, same ethnicity, etc. I just smilled and asked, "how am I different?"

4. Be patient. Let them ramble. Don't get frustrated. What works for me is to remember that I am being Talked to and to take satisfaction in my silence as a sign that I am handling the situation properly. Get satisfaction through patience.

Shell-dwelling can be more deadly to a relationship.

Since I've dated a few Cancers, I've had the experience of terrible Shell-dwelling. My first Cancer would take monthes of private time where he'd drop out of sight and refuse to talk to me. I'd go stir crazy wondering what I had done wrong that was causing him to punish me like that?! My second Cancer pushed my button on Shell-dwelling: I had finally escaped my brooding first Cancer when my second Cancer boy started pulling away from me. Boy, did I lose my temper. If I had just a little more caffeine I would have thrown him over the guard rails at the mall we were at! It was at that time I started noticing the pattern and looked into the matter. When my third Cancer started pulling out, I let him, kept quiet, and bonded with him when he was out of his shell rather than kicking him in the balls to punish him for withdrawing.

Shell-dwelling is a defense mechanism that people use to focus on finding solutions to a particularly powerful problem. Shell-dwellers do not open up to others. They see it as a sign of weakness or as a threat to their emotional vulnerability. Instead they withdraw into their own personal worlds where they start running the numbers through their heads. When they have found the solution, they come out of their shell and continue with the relationship.

Some Shell-dwellers can get stuck in their shell because they can't figure things out. They then have to distract themselves with solving smaller problems, usually other people's problems or some type of vicarious conflict like a movie or sporting event or something in the news. These minor problems provide solutions that lubricate the shell so that the bigger problems become more solvable.

The problem is that Shell-dwellers inadvertantly threaten the security of their relationship. By withdrawing, they sever the emotional bonds of their relationship and end up holding back intimate needs. There would be times in which I wouldn't see my one Cancer boy for a month or longer because he was so busy dwelling on his problems. That's a month and more of my life that's being wasted! I didn't get into a relationship to sit around and not do anything!

Even worse, Shell-dwellers end up pushing away their loved ones. Breaking off communication or hiding personal problems or refusing to talk about private matters can be seen as a violation of trust -- a way of saying "I dont trust you" to their partner. Again, it is also a threat that emotional support is going to be withdrawn and that the relationship may possibly be ending.

Unfortunately, Shell-dwellers need this withdrawl and to force them out of their shell prevents them from resolving their problems. After me mum died, I spent a lot of time traveling, essentially homeless for a couple months while I was figuring things out. My father eventually tracked me down and forced me back home, preventing me from resolving my post-mortem depression.

What do you do with a Shell-dweller?

1. Let them go. If you love something let it go. Sounds like a really fagly cliche but with my first and third Cancer, I gave them the room to withdraw and they eventually did return. With my second Cancer, I punished him badly for withdrawing and that ended the relationship.

2. As above, don't punish. Since Shell-dwelling can be emotionally difficult to handle, it's natural to be bitter or to take it personally and punish the person. Don't. By punishing them, you prevent them from withdrawing and handling their problems.

3. But don't reward them either. Shell-dwelling can get abusive and manipulative if done too much, like children who hold their breath until they get what they want. I made the mistake one time of pretty much throwing a "Thank Heaven he's out of his shell" party for my first cancer boy and that was a mistake. I ended up rewarding him for withdrawing from our relationship and this increased his tendency to withdraw rather than communicate with me. Eventually one of his withdrawals ended our relationship because he was contaminating the relationship with too much instability.

4. Freeze-out, if necessary. If your partner is Shell-dwelling, it isn't the time to re-invigorate the relationship. If you try to cling and up the relationship with more affection, you will interfere with the Shell-dwelling and actually put more pressure on him. However, if you maintain your relationship at the same level, you are actually rewarding him by providing a relationship for free. The term "freeze-out" means you let him withdraw and in the meanwhile, subtly withdraw yourself. Reduce the intensity of your relationship, almost like starting over. Don't punish, just make the Shell-dweller miss you. I'll talk about "freeze outs" in another blog posting.

Communication is one of the most important glues of a relationship. If everyone communicated the same way relationships would last forever like a perpetual motion machine. But alas, the Tower of Babel fell a long, long time ago.

The Polygamous Ideal?

Is the monogamous ideal going out of fashion? Should people have multiple partners and open relationships as a standard rather than as a scandalous exception?

I have never ever been involved with more than one guy at a time, and I've never ever cheated. I've had no desire to, because even though I admit that I've had an attraction for as many as half a dozen men at one time, I feel it is disrespectful to date more than one person at a time (and neither could I handle such multi-tasking). I admit, I am a randiful flirt and maybe the opportunity has never actually been given to me to date more than one guy, but I can honestly say at the moment that I wouldn't do it.

This topic came up after I was reading through a forum called Why does Pisces lie about the tendency of the Pisces personality to lie and have affairs. I found some of the statements to be outrageous, for example,

So to really keep him faithful to you, at least emotionally, I would recommend you let him be as promiscuous as he wants to be. Showing that you are so strong and secure in yourself as to let him do what and who he wants and still love him is a HUGE turn on for him (at least for me). He may or may not take you up on this freedom you are allowing him (although I'm sure he'll flirt), but regardless, he'll certainly become more attached to you emotionally, regardless of his actions. This may seem counter-intuitive, but if you let him fool around with others, you are basically the absolute perfect woman, and I'm sure that he will do everything he can to make you happy otherwise. It's a different sense of faithful, but grant him sexual and emotional freedom, and he'll always be there for you. Emotionally.

WTF? Only on Granola World could anyone make such an outrageous claim that goes so much against what a relationship is supposed to mean, or at least what it means to me.

As a side-note, I've dated a few Pisces (three I believe). My first experience with a Pisces still lingers in my heart. He was a gorgeous man, a professional model with a taste for morbidity and piercings, but he was a psycho manwhore when it came to relationships. We were friends for several months before we started dating and every week he'd blog about another girlfriend who had betrayed him. How many times can you get betrayed before you figure maybe it's your fault? He was so open with what I thought was intimate stuff, where he'd post an announcement on his MySpace bulletin looking for someone to come over and cuddle. After two disappointing dates and lots of broken dreams, I found loving him like being in love with water.

To stay in a committed relationship, do we have to be polygamous?

On every level I do understand what the polygamous Pisces freak above is talking about, though. Emotional freedom is a major cause for the ruin of a relationship: the minute someone feels trapped in a relationship, they freak out and hit the road. By allowing a person to have a legitimized affair, they are given their emotional freedom. As the freak above mentions, it takes a strong person to be secure knowing that her boyfriend is out screwing someone else. Aren't we attracted to strong people? Don't we like people who are un-possessive?

On the other side, I see the opposite, where I have too much respect for myself to get involved in an open relationship and I'll explain why in another paragraph or two. Likewise, I know something about management and in any complex social system (which means a system of more than one person) absolute freedom is impossible. If you run an office or raise children laissez-faire, the results will be horrendous!

I've also read about the necessity of having competition in a relationship. Emotional bonds can grow stale and your significant other can start taking you for granted. It is necessary to create the illusion that your love could be lost to someone else. Competition also satisfies personal emotional needs that are restrained by being with only one person. One person isn't capable of satisfying every need and having friends of the opposite sex can re-vigorize a faltering libido that has been tied down too long. If used within the confines of a monogamous relationship, competition can improve self-confidence and improve a relationship.

Our cultures doesn't promote competition because competition means someone has to lose and we don't want to damage the precious self-esteem of our troubled youth.

I've seen competition at play in one of my college classrooms at a more almost lackadaisical level where one of my professors, a handsome and suave younger gentlemen, was constantly playing the female students off each other, stirring up competition. He'd grin and gleam and say something like, "Melina is my favorite student, not Megan," and Megan would be so pissed but you could see the desire just raging behind her eyes. Why else then would she be so pissed?

I've never been one for competition in dating. I am a competitive person, yes, but back when I started dating, I had a guy who played me off someone else. He was dating another woman but giving me fresh attention and naive little old me just soaked it up, thinking if I were patient, I'd be the only one. Of course that never happened and the guy was just a player (and abusive as well). I eventually became his worst enemy. His life didn't turn out that well as he got a couple girls pregnant and married a real loser.

The minute a guy even makes a move towards another woman, I immediately lose respect for him and I kick him to the curb (usually after kicking him in the balls). I can see no redeeming value in someone who seeks to manipulate or disrespect me in such a way. I can throw it back easily: I've screwed over a 100 men and I'll screw easily a 1000 before my life is over. No one man has any value to me that I'll let him push my monogamy button.

When I was doing my Bachelor's, I studied extensively the psychology of Karen Horney (it's pronounced Or-nay) and one of her articles is called "The Problem of the Monogamous Ideal." In her article, Horney talks about how polygamous desires are natural -- we are naturally attracted to multiple lovers and the fulfillment of these sexual desires is a natural goal. Monogamy, however, frustrates these subconscious goals by forcing a person into sexual satisfaction with one person, with satisfaction being an impossibility because our natural tendency is to have sexual fantasies about multiple partners. Even worse, polygamy is viewed as a sin and sexual frustration is enhanced by guilt and other unnatural repression of normal tendencies.

I had a boyfriend who propositioned me about a menege a trois. I had sensed that there was someone else going on but I let the thought go to give him the benefit of the doubt and not come across as being insecure. Of course, there was someone else and eventually he came to me and said something like this:

My room-mate is a woman whom I was was once engaged to. She is bi-sexual and it bothers me that she is attracted to women. I am still in love with her even though she only views me as a friend. I am sad because she is moving out soon and I don't want to be alone. I want you to stand by me while I pursue this relationship however long it may take.

I politely asked him not to contact me again and walked away from the situation.

I've always considered myself a sexually risque person but that doesn't mean that I believe everything is okay. Somewhere boundaries need to be set up and people who try to break through these boundaries are not pioneers but freaks who should be sterilized.

Relationships have an emotional investment in them and a polygamous ideal is just as unhealthy as a frigid woman, as a single mother, or as a divorced couple. These are not positive signs of a changing culture but rather of a culture that is lost and dissatisfied, not knowing what it wants but trying to conform with values that it can no longer understand or connect with. The result is somewhat adolescent.

The contra idea is that the open sexual relationship is not the problem but rather the repression of sexual desire and the need for secrecy created by affairs. Open relationships, if evolving out of shared and open desires, can be a dream come true. No secrecy, no trust issues, only free love. Of course, that worked for the Hippies, right? Welcome back, tofu-suckers!

A polygamous relationship will never survive because relationships require security and priority which cannot exist when emotional bonds are being shared in multiple directions. Trust cannot be built. Each partner will always wonder if he or she is being loved the most. Equity is impossible.

The polygamist is merely another dysfunction that is attempting to validate itself. Activists make it look like polygamy is a widely practice arrangement that everybody does, but how many open marriages or relationships can you name in your personal life, not on TV or in your fantasy world? These people working on open relationships or playing around are simply out-of-control children who need corporal punishment to remind them of their failures as a human being.

What type of culture values deception and mistrust as an ideal?

Serial monogamy has been another emphasis in our new polygamous ideal where people point out that most people do not dedicate themselves to one person but rather through a series of monogamous relationships. I am guilty of that. Am I being polygamous by having screwed over 100 guys in my short life span? What is the difference in being intimately involved with more than one person at a time versus being involved with over 100 people in an assembly line?

That's a stupid question...

...but the point is, we generally do not have lifelong partners and this is a flaw in our enforced need for monogamy in light of the fact that polygamy sems to be the ideal.

But it isn't a flaw but rather an answer. Instead of screwing around with multiple partners, take your singular relationships to their limits and allow them to dissolve naturally rather than maintain them indefinitely. Polygamists are suffering from the same neurosis of maintaining a lifelong partner but also fooling around on the side as a way of maintaining that lifelong partner. The lifelong ideal is just as bad as the polygamous ideal.

This is not to say that the idea behind polygamy is completely incorrect. We are raised, at least I was, to embrace an ideal of marriage that is unrealistic and when we fall to do the impossible, we are smacked down with the guilt and worthlessness of our failure. People enter into new relationships with the expectations of a lifelong relationship and then rationalize infidelity rather than re-evaluating their expectations.

Some comments on monogamy and polygamy to help with your own relationships:

1. Don't enter into a new relationship with the intent of staying around forever. Be honest that you are more than likely just having a fling that won't last. Likewise, don't deceive the other person by giving off a sense of a long-term commitment.

2. Develop friendships rather than relationships. Why does every male and female relationship have to become intimate? Isn't it possible to have a nice sexually tense relationship with someone? Work on this. I worked in a place that did not allow people to date and at first it was nerve wracking and sterilizing to be around so many hot guys and not be able to date any of them. After awhile, though, I found the feeling to be refreshing, to be able to flirt and have fun without the pressure of making the relationship work (because I knew it wouldn't work out anyway).

3. Sex rarely lasts in the long term. Similar to idea #1, everybody advises against having sex too early because it could ruin a relationship. Those people are right but use this fact to your advantage. Why prolong a sexual encounter in order to postpone a break-up. I've done that and ended up never sexually consummating some relationships. These unconsummated relationships are the ones that still have control over me because I never achieved climax and closure to move on. Instead of having polygamous sex, let sex be the adjudicator.

4. Don't advocate or tolerate polygamy. If a person suggests an open relationship, politely refuse and give them the option of either staying or closing the relationship. Explain to them what I've written: your relationship with them is ending and that if they want to pursue sex with someone else that they either provide closure to your relationship with them (either one last romp in the hay or something) and leave or just plain leave. There's no point in continuing the relationship. You can also give them the opportunity to re-examine what they want honestly out of the relationship with you in order to gain a sense of closure but if closure is impossible and they want to have an open relationship, end your relationship with them.

Ideals are something to strive for, not to abandon.

Then kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill! Should We Get Revenge on Ex-Lovers?

Have you ever been jilted, treated terribly, or abused by your significant other? How should you handle the post-break-up trauma after escaping from these types of relationships? Do you clean up and move on with your life or do you get back at your ex?

In the words of the immortal bard,

Oft have I heard that grief softens the mind,
And makes it fearful and degenerate;
Think therefore on revenge and cease to weep.

In modern English, seek revenge.

I once had a co-worker describe me as the girl with short hair and repressed anger. The hair comment was a low blow because I am rather jealous of women who can grow their hair long because I get split ends past my shoulders. I kicked him in the balls, knocked him down onto a coffee table, and then crunched his balls for a second opinion. He changed his mind about that repressed anger thing.

But he did have a point. Dating me is like trying to give a wolverine a bath. I'm feisty, temperamental, childish, terretorial, and I will turn on you at the drop of a hat if I think you're screwing me over.

Why then would you want to date me? Other than the facts that I am really, really good looking and fuck like a muppet drummer (which is really all men care about), I firmly believe in the gift of freedom and respect to the men I date. They have the right to tend to their own lives and make their own choices and I'm not interested in getting involved in someone else's daily angst. Live your own life. Save yourself.

But this gift isn't unconditional. All I expect in return is that people clean up their lives before getting emotionally involved with me. Bury the memory of your ex-girlfriend. Cure your psychiatric illness. Settle your affairs. I can fit my life into two suitcases: I don't need someone else's baggage.

I've found that people will sacrifice everything to pursue pipedreams or to have their cake and eat her too.

I dated a schizophrenic man. The mentally ill are hardcore examples of social dysfunction that is present in everyone. The mentally ill have impenetrable defense mechanisms where they can act as irresponsibly as they want and never have to make amends because they are sick, clueless as to how much damage they inflict to people stupid enough to love them. I learned how to do a backward bridge like a gymnist putting up with my schizo's problems and when the time came for me to kick him in the balls, he chose to follow the path of his illness rather than put it aside to save our relationship. He left me with nothing but the maudlin culpability of having no one to blame but myself.

When I heard that he had moved on and had began dating someone else, I was furious. My relationship with him cost me my health, my job, and my apartment, and as much as I knew he would simply inflict the same scars on to his new victim, there was an insecure part of me that laid awake painfully wondering if perhaps I was the problem. What if he does find happiness with someone else?

And then I remembered more words from that immortal bard:

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

A person in love doesn't have to qualify that feeling. Neither does a person who contemplates revenge. There is nothing to think about and thinking about the moral implications of revenge becomes a Catch-22 moral trap, sacrificing yourself as a sad mind and fearful degenerate to remain honorable to someone who betrayed you. There is nothing to do but seek revenge and damn yourself, if need be.

My bold schizo boy, in the words of the Frankenstein monster, I will be with you on your wedding night, when the padre proclaims, "speak now or forever hold your peace," I will be standing in the aisle with a taser and hard copies of your dirty secrets. Ah, not just in the movies.

Anything to an extreme is unhealthy but not necessarily the thing in itself. Love can be just as disastrous as revenge if handled badly. 'Tis not the revenge but the mind that enacts it.

A proper revenge is the ultimate high, higher than absinthe and opera, higher than a flapjack and a cigarette at a mom and pop diner three o'clock am in the rain.

I came across a website that was against getting even with your ex. Let me go over what this tofu-sucker had to say because his website looked like something shat out by an automatic writing html program with no common sense or genitalia:

You might regret it in the end. I doubt it. That's what cognitive dissonance is for. Part of revenge is pursuing necessary closure and compensation. You're not seeking revenge out of spite but rather to settle affairs. Is it so wrong to seek compensation? Is it right to deny someone closure or compensation?

You are only prolonging your agony and hurting yourself. I kind of agree with this statement because hanging around in the memorial of an old relationship only continuously stirs up bad feelings. I've had this happen where for maybe a couple years after a bad relationship ended, I kept having to damage control the fallout of that relationship and it stirred up all the old pains. When I finally refocused my mindset from mourning to revenge, I finally smiled again. It gave me a goal in life.

You have other outlets to get over your ex. Like what? Sublimation? Isn't sublimation a psychological term for not getting what you want? It's still a defense mechanism. Stop sublimating and get what you want. To thine own self be true, even if you're a total psycho like I am.

Move on with your life. Wow! That's good advice! Why didn't I think of that? That is such an abusive thing to say to people: "get over it." Obviously something is preventing people from getting over it. Say it, Shakespeare:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?

Donald Trump states in his autobiography that when we suffer outrageous misfortunes, that a strong person will recover rather than sulk and whine. I agree. Trump also says to hold a grudge against those people who caused your misfortune and screw them over the minute you can. It's a necessary statement. Why is revenge necessarily contra to moving on? Revenge is moving on.

You’ll end up making yourself look bad. One might argue that the person who jilted you made you look bad already and you are honorbound to save face. Remember the Trojan War: Menelaus had to destroy Troy because the Trojans made him look like a fool and threatened to dethrone his seat of power. You may think, "I don't care what other people think about me": so, you're okay with them laughing at you behind your back? If you don't care what they think about you then why should that stall your revenge? Besides, revenge is best kept anonymous.

Why should you want to get even with a loser in the first place? Good point. Who's the real loser: my schizo boy or me for dating him? I take pleasure in knowing that my ex's will more than likely ruin their future relationships like they did mine with theirs, but every so often I catch word of an ex who is achieving some success. One of my ex's just got into a PhD program and posted pictures of him and his new girlfriend linked to his professional website. That's enough of that. Some people need a good shot-down to remind them that they're not acting right.

Forgive and forget. I forgive people easily. Anyone who apologizes will get my forgiveness. But pardon me, doesn't an apology mean that you'll stop what you're apologizing for? Many apologies are hollow and people return back to their original behavior as soon as the coast is clear. My schizo boy had an acute attack on me and I left. When he came back and apologized and explained the situation, I gave him a second chance. A month later I had to kick him in the balls because he was still schizing out and stubbornly refusing to acknowledge it. He left. How sorry was he? When I was in the 12th grade, my boyfriend brutally broke up with me so I set his and his twin brother's lockers on fire (his brother was an accident -- I couldn't tell them apart and burned the wrong locker) and then told him I'd keep going until he apologized. That may sound scary but everyone who knew what was going on gave me a round of applause because they knew the fucker deserved it from more than me. He apologized. I knew he was sorry because I made him sorry.

On Granola World, hearts never get broken. People never cry. Cowboys never cheat on you with other men. All relationships end on peaceful terms with a sense of closure. Here in the real world, relationships end not with common courtesy but simply end however they might fall. Don't you think that you should get closure and compensation from those who have hurt you? When is that going to happen? We have to live in the world as it is rather than the world as it should of be. What's the difference between lack of closure and revenge? Both are wrong. Both happen.

If you are planning your revenge, here are some guidelines:

1. Make your revenge a goal in life, not your life. The best revenge is to move on with your life and be succesful. There will always be insecurity in revenge and make sure that getting even isn't about sating wrathful intentions but about settling your affairs. You might spend a lifetime waiting for a single moment of revenge that will never come. Don't waste your life. Make your revenge a business plan and leave your work at the office.

2. Take a chill pill and take your time. Never seek revenge in a moment of fury. Plan with clarity and detail. Crimes of passions always have bad results. You need to be methodical and enjoy the pleasure of bad thoughts. Give your ex time to forget about you. Give him time to relax. People also gain more assets (to lose) as they grow older; a mortgage, a business, and a marriage. My ex cost me a relationship, my job, and my apartment. I'll gladly wait ten years to return the favor with interest.

3. Keep your anonymity. Why risk retaliation for the pleasant thought of them knowing it's you? It's actually much more staisfying when they don't know. I believe it's called dramatic irony.

4. Keep an eye on your ex. With Google and Facebook and MySpace, there are so many ways of keeping an eye of your ex, most of them creepy, but hey, what can I say? Keep track of what your ex is doing. The more you know, the more opportunities will show up for getting even. My one ex plays guitar at a local cafe. I wonder how well he'd perform if I were to suddenly show up in the audience. Anyone care to join me for some green tea?

5. Plan your battles. Don't go for a flesh wound when you can go for the kill. When I heard one of my ex's was dating again, I was fuming mad. I thought about stepping in and ending that silliness, but I took a step back and am going to wait until the wedding announcement, when it may come. As part of this idea, learn to enact small revenges at the most inopportune time, particularly when people are under high stress or happy. Birthdays, graduation ceremonies, holidays, the beginning or end of a college semester, etc. These are good times to show off small acts of anonymous revenge to add a little extra stress to your ex's life. Revenge can be like a lever: it only takes a little effort to produce immense results. Next time your ex's birthday comes around, play havoc with half a dozen little shows of anonymous affection and then back off until Thanksgiving.

Here is an awesome website that has everything you need to get even: The Avenger.

Wrap it up for me, immortal bard:

Should he make me
Live, like Diana's priest, betwixt cold sheets,
Whiles he is vaulting variable ramps,
In your despite, upon your purse? Revenge it.